John Jacobs used to be a mild-mannered Cornell freshman. He
went to class, avoided trouble with school, and used condoms regularly.
However, one day he had a problem set due and could not find a computer with
MATLAB to use to finish his work. Just when he thought he was out of luck, one
of his friends tweeted “DC++ is the greatest thing ever!” Little did John know,
the moment he discovered and installed DC++, he would no longer be John
anymore. He would instead become foopatroopa.
His girlfriend, Jane, said that he used to be a very
sociable boy. “We would hang out, drink together, and sometimes play what’s
your favorite kama sutra position. But now, all he does is watch tv. I mean, Firefly
got canceled after one goddamn season, why the hell would he want to watch
DC++ has been captivating the hearts and souls of cornell
students since Al Gore created the interwebs. From containing the latest
television shows, music, and movies, to a place where you can find MATLAB,
textbooks, and the Kim Kardashian sextape (topical joke!), DC++ has its obvious
benefits to all involved. However, for all of its users who don’t give content
back, there are a certain few who see it as something much, much more.
One avid DC++-er, who goes by the user name
long_dong_silver, describes the hub as being akin to his own version of Narnia.
“Who would have thought that this little application would open up such a world of excitement
and adventure to me. In real life I’m a socially awkward enginerd, but on the
computer I am a chatroom adept enginerd. I even had a real conversation with a
real girl today. It’s incredible! Plus, there’s midget porn.”
For some users, like bigjughugger, the allure of DC++ is
much more than that. “If you share more than 1 tebibyte of data, then you
become a VIP member, which is a super high honor. Kind of like not being chosen last in dodgeball.”
“What do I get as VIP? Ummmm nothing really, except an
enormous e-peen (e-peen = e-penis, aka ego from being awesome at sharing stuff).
Dude, my e-peen is this big..” Bigjughugger began stroking what appears to be
his roughly 2 foot e-peen. Granted, from the fact that he needed two hands to
encompass it, it appeared to be one hell of a penis – but it still creeped me
the fuck out.
The one girl who uses DC++, im_a_chik_you_dik, said she actually
enjoys the chatting aspect of DC++. “When you think about it, these guys might
only talk to one girl a week. And that’s usually their mother. The fact that I
get 50 responses when I say, “hey, I’m a girl, what’s up?’ feels pretty good.”
*writer’s note: this “girl” is actually an extremely strange
“Honestly, the rush of seeing people queued to download the
latest captain America movie from me in HD is incredible”, analsekhs says. “It’s
almost like they’re saying, “hey, I want your movies because you have awesome
taste in movies, hence you’re awesome, hence you’re attractive and I really
really want to have sex with you. Also, let’s have analsekhs’”.
I declined to mention that this was the biggest stretch of
logic since barney not being just a big, gay, pedophilic dinosaur.