After over a month of anonymous debates over what sorority really has the best pledge class/is the coolest/is most liked/has the most sluts, sororities still have yet to reach a consensus, so they resorted to the only true test to end this quest for the truth – a campus wide throw-down. Early reports point towards only 3 girls being hospitalized, mainly because girls really suck at fighting.

“These other bitches keep saying that Theta is better than Alpha Phi, when it is clearly obvious that our new babies are the best around,” says Alicia, a sophomore in Alpha Phi. “I’m tired of people not acknowledging this – we have the best pledge class EVERRRRRRR”
-Alicia asked that I specifically spell ever like that; apparently girls think extra letters get their points across better
“Kappa is totes the best on campus now,” Jamie of Kappa Kappa Gamma said. “Our babies put out so much more than any other house on campus – that’s a good thing, right??”
Girls convened earlier today for this WWE-inspired beat down armed with pillows, fake nails, and, in one case, a menacingly large dildo. Not surprisingly, many boys were in attendance to hopefully get a glimpse at some skin in this catfight of epic proportions.
John, one of the spectators, had this to say about the event: “You know that scene in Animal House where John Belushi looks in the window at a half naked pillow fight? Yeah, this was nothing like that.”
He went on to add “Seriously, how did I not see any T&A at this? Like when you pull a girl down by the hair, the obvious next move is to rip off the girls shirt and give her a purple nurple. Stupid amateurs.”
Not surprisingly, girls from houses like AXO and AEPHI showed up in force to salvage their campus reps. “If we won this brawl, I could totally see our house moving up, like, 2 spots in sorority rankings,” a junior in AXO said. “Wait, what do you mean most frat boys only like pledge classes full of total dime-pieces? Shit, we’re screwed.”
After the fight, one DG girl described it as “being totally pointless. Seriously, just because our girls are only good at attending spin class and got dominated doesn’t mean anything. We’re still the best, and y’all better respect. DG DG LOVE AAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
-A special thanks to Kayla for giving me the first migraine of my life after screaming directly into my ear canal
The lesson learned from today: nobody gives a shit about sorority rankings, and groups of excited sorority girls make more noise than a tribe of howler monkeys.