The academic world of philosophy was turned upside-down this
past weekend when Ron Davis, an underclassman from Cornell, allegedly
discovered the meaning of life.
“I was just chilling with some guys upstairs in this frat
house, listening to some Radiohead, and definitely not doing anything illegal,”
says Davis in between bites of his chicken nuggets. “When suddenly, it hit me.
Everything made sense.”
Davis, in the midst of the shock from the incredible
discovery he had stumbled upon, quickly put down his Nintendo 64 controller and
attempted to etch out his findings as best as he could.
“We all just told him to chill out, that this happens
sometimes, maybe have a drink of water,” says Michael Smith, a brother in the
room with Davis. “But he insisted that water was for mortal organisms.”
Good thing that Davis did not stop. He managed to complete
his etchings and submit them to the Cornell University Sage School of Philosophy.
They are currently under review by some of the world’s top philosophers.
“This really is some incredible stuff,” says Terence Hodes, Ph.D.
in aesthetics and epistemology from Oxford University. “But it’s extremely
complicated. Even some of my most esteemed colleagues have difficultly at times
understanding exactly what Davis is saying.”
Written hastily in the wake of his realization, Davis’s
etchings appear to be mostly symbols and equations, their meanings far too
complicated for those not well-versed in symbology and quantum mechanics to
understand. He also wrote down some poetry, which appeared to lack any sort of
rhyme or meter.
“You just need to get on my level,” says Davis, now sipping
a large Haagen-Dazs Cookies & Cream milkshake and watching The Fairly
Oddparents. “Then it will all be clear.”
Davis’s friends have reacted to his findings with awe and approbation.
“It really is incredible that he was able to figure all this
out upstairs at that party,” says freshmen Kent Gonzalez. “All I did Saturday
night was get laid.”
After obtaining his etchings, the Harvard Review of
Philosophy has decided to publish Davis’s works, along with commentary and
interpretation from the world’s most renowned metaphysics professors and religious
scholars. Unfortunately, Davis could not be reached for further comment, as he
threw his cell phone into the gorge after claiming the CIA was tracking him.