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The Most Interesting Man In The World Thoughts’ On Student Center
*Author Unknown
Janet Reno ’60 to Speak on Marijuana Rights Thursday
Former Attorney General of the United States and member of the Cornell class of 1960, Janet Reno is making her way back to Ithaca on Thursday. With the election 6 months away and lots of hot issues at hand, Reno wanted to come back and speak with current students about an issue that has been... MORE »
Cornell Bans Smoking on Campus for Fall 2012
For some people, there’s nothing like taking a quick cigarette break in between a class or during a timeout from an intense study session in the library. Unfortunately, the next time that craving hits you, you’ll have to walk to Collegetown to do it. This morning President David J. Skorton announced that the administration voted... MORE »
Cornell University Invaded by Extraterrestrial Lifeforms From Planet Q580 in Quadrant X
With all the rumors of Vinny Guadagnino coming to Cornell being untrue, thousands of Ivy League students were shocked and astounded to find that a satirical news website would provide them with inaccurate information. Lucky for you, Earthlings, a REAL extraordinary sensation has crash-landed in Beebe Lake at approximately 3:28 AM. Broadcasted on every major... MORE »
End of the World? Snow in Ithaca This Summer
From tsunamis to tornadoes to hurricanes to oil spills, Earth has been experiencing its fair share of natural disasters. Maybe the Mayans were in fact right when they said that the world would end this year. Weird things really have been occurring on our planet for quite a while now, but nothing as weird as... MORE »
Justin Bieber Not Coming to Cornell, But Guess Who Is?
With all the rumors of Justin Bieber coming to Cornell not being true, many girls on campus were heartbroken and disappointed that they wouldn’t get their chance with the teenage heartthrob. Lucky for you, ladies, another sensation is making his way to Ithaca this coming fall. Announced on his Facebook fan page this morning, Jersey... MORE »
Taio Cruz to Bring Rebecca Black to Slope Day
Last night on his Twitter, singer Taio Cruz announced that he is bringing a special guest to his Slope Day Performance on Friday. “Cornell!! im bringin my special boo rebecca black to slope day!! we guna get down this friday, friday, friday!” So get your middle school friends, make sure you have your cereal, don’t... MORE »
Denice Cassaro Drunk Emails Freshmen; Students Actually Read Them
Early Sunday morning, Denice Cassaro sent a slew of inflammatory and stream-of-consciousness emails to the Cornell Community. In these messages, she insulted various student groups, boasted about her sexual conquests, and reflected upon her purpose in life, all in her trademark colorful writing style. Her first e-mail, sent at 2:33am, read as follows: *******Mah-Jong and... MORE »
No Spring Maintenance….
After last Friday’s 85-degree weather, it appears that Cornell University has used all of its spring maintenance funding on keeping the Lake Effects snow out of the forecast, not accounting for the shocking, yet annual, mid-April snow and sleet storm. While on a campus tour this morning, a pre-frosh was overheard stating “well, it can... MORE »
Cornell Basement’s Guide to Finding a New MILF Girlfriend During Cornell Days
So you’re walking innocently across Ho Plaza while trying to block out as much of the clock tower chimes as possible, begging for an easier hangover. You’re tired; nauseas, and you look like you haven’t seen daylight in months. But some kid doesn’t look frustrated, burnt out, or miserable. He actually has a smile on... MORE »
Big Sent On Academic Leave For Not Loving Little Enough
Sophomore Emma Kirshin was sent home this week by Gannett health services after failing to display “an adequate level of cultish love and fervor” for her little. New sorority pledge and little Abby Tanger was upset when she entered her room to find only cookies, balloons, and candies. Standard protocol dictates that bigs must shower... MORE »
Skorton Credits First Born’s Blood Sacrifice for Warm Weather
ITHACA, NY-When Cornell University President David Skorton announced last month that he was going to sacrifice his first born child in an effort to snatch the NYC tech bid, Cornellian’s were quite skeptical. It seems as though Skorton has proved countless students wrong in not only earning the tech bid, but also in ensuring pleasurable weather for... MORE »
#RushWeek2012
Disclaimer: The frat you join in no way reflects your sexual orientation. Unless you’re a GDI in which case you are most definitely “a gay.” MORE »
Bottom 5 Worst Places To Vacation (Cornell)
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! 1. Jerry Sandusky’s Most Frequented Playground Hitting up the playground with your 4th grade bros during school vacation is the best. But nothing sucks more than... MORE »
Our New Year’s Resolutions 2012 (Cornell)
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite!Having reflected upon the past year we here at Cornell Campus Basement have realized we’ve done some really bad things. Like, we’ve made really some awful decisions. ... MORE »
Cornell Economists Determine Jesus Christ’s Patronage of Tim Tebow to be “Inefficient†and “Not conducive to solving legitimate world problems.”
Ithaca NY””Economists working in Cornell’s Policy Analysis Lab have recently discovered several flaws in Jesus Christ’s social policies. The economists, studying everything from theological infrastructures to econometrics, published a journal article last Monday noting discrepancies between Jesus Christ’s “plans for all creatures on earth” and football. The team learned that Jesus invested too much of... MORE »