In attempt to attract more students to the library and to
reduce student stress during finals week, Mann library converted all of its rarely-used
study rooms into sex rooms. This initiative was sponsored by Cornell CARES, and proved to be a major hit over the course of study week.
“Hardly anybody would ever rent out our study rooms,” said
librarian Jim Morrison. “Also, “sex in the stacks’ had become quite popular
during past study weeks, and we
would get a lot of complaints about reference books having their pages stuck
together. This finals week we wanted to provide students with a healthier
outlet for their sensual urges and bodily fluids.”
“The room transformations were actually quite simple,”
stated library supervisor Paul Bradley, “we just replaced desks and chairs with
double-sized mattresses and pillows, and we had all of the windows tinted so
that you can’t see inside. And the room rental conditions weren’t changed at
all: don’t disturb your neighbor, clean up after yourself, and turn the lights
off when you’re done.”
Also available for rental were large group sex rooms, and
individual masturbation rooms. To promote
safe sex, the library would provide a free condom for each party, and
encouraged students to utilize the “ask a librarian” function on their web-page
for any sex-related questions and advice.
“I think this was a wonderful idea” said student Jon DeFelice
’12, “in past finals weeks, I would have to go home to jerk off and
then I would be too lazy to return to the library. This finals week, whenever I
was feeling a little randy, I would just rent out a room, give myself a quick “Mann
job,” and then get right back into my orgo textbook. The other night though, my
bro Chris wing-Manned for me, and
helped me score this lonely Mannic-depressed biddie. I got her to Manndible
three times that night, if you know what I’m saying. You could call it my
Mannifest destiny, bro. Anywho, turns out she was just a Mannequin; I hope this
doesn’t ruin my bid for presidency,” said the Mannchurian candidate.
“Mann Library is sooooo amazing,” said another student
excitedly, “I only had one final this semester, but I was in here all day,
every day, until closing”¦ though it wasn’t so amazing when I would have to take the occasional “sex
break” to study for a while. “
Mann library may possibly continue this program next
semester, citing positive student feedback, as well professor reports of
improved finals performances.
Perhaps the most telling statistics though, revealed that even
though sex-rooms went on loan for an hour at a time, most parties returned their keys
after 10 minutes.