Michael Bates, a local resident of the city of Ithaca, was
reportedly arrested last Friday night by the Cornell University Police
Department after allegedly living in the Uris Library “cocktail lounge” for nearly
a week.
According to the police report, Bates allegedly entered the
library Monday morning. He was then seen, on a few occasions, leaving the
library with his belongings, only to return a few hours later.
“Every time my shift came up, I always saw him””just sitting
there. He was always reading these things too, probably pornography or Satan
worshipping texts or whatnot,” stated Jessica Robin, a student worker at the
Uris Library reference desk.
At the end of the day though, when all the normal people
left though, Bates stayed. “He just kept reading those books he had, even when
everyone else went home to have dinner,” explained Robin.
From further investigation, it was concluded that Bates was
living off small energy bars, 5-hour Energy’s, and Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso’s.
When it came time for him to eventually go to sleep though, Bates was reluctant
to leave the library.
Freshman Stephanie Rotter acknowledged seeing Bates attempting
to sleep in the library. “I saw him two nights in a row. The first night, I saw
him put his head down on the desk and just try to fall asleep that way. The
second night, he stole two chairs and sort of put his feet up. It was really
frustrating and his snoring was like so annoying!”
On Thursday night, the Uris Library Faculty invited Jane Preston,
a Professor in Cornell’s Department of Psychology, to talk with Bates in the
hope of making sense of the situation.
Preston explained, “When I was talking with him, I asked him
why he wouldn’t go home. But, our dialogue never went anywhere.” She continued,
“I later tried to ask him if needed anything but he would only respond, “I Need A”¦I Need A…,’ and then he would just stop talking and start trying to read
his gibberish books again.”
Bates’ clever scheming continued successfully, until Friday
night that is. “Uris library closes at 9 pm on Fridays,” stated a Cornell
University Police Officer. “That’s how we nailed the son of a bitch.”
Shortly after his arrest, the Director of Uris Library released
a press statement. “We hope this arrest serves a lesson to anyone else planning
on staying in the library past normal people hours. Stop doing it. It’s mad
annoying and fucking creepy.”
