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Math Library Needs to Recalculate its Priorities
it's cool if I leave my iPod and laptop alone here right?
Student Lights Fireworks Inside College Ave. House
The 4th of July is a time to appreciate our country, spend time with friends and family, throw down some burgers and dogs, and light fireworks. Theodore Briggs missed the memo that fireworks are illegal in New York, and also forgot that you are supposed to light them outside. At a late-morning barbecue on College... MORE »
Hunger Games At Cornell: Which College Will Win?
Ezra Cornell was actually a pretty twisted President. When he founded Cornell he also said that at the 147th (arbitrary number chosen similar practice done by the Mayans for their calendars) Commencement, rather than have the standard “all rise and all sit, congratulations you’ve graduated” at the ceremony, all 4 state colleges will have a... MORE »
Big Red Hot Hockey Storms MSG – And Your News Feed?
Tonight is the Big Red Hot Hockey game that takes place every other year against BU at MSG. In the next few hours your news feeds are going to start blowing up about about the game. Examples of statuses you will see: 1. “At MSG go Big Red” 2. “Let’s go Cornell!” 3. “I’m in... MORE »
Girl Neglects to Realize Halloween Is Just an Excuse to Dress Slutty
This past weekend, it was nearly impossible to walk down College Ave without seeing bare legs, the occasional butt cheek, and multiple bare midriffs. That’s right people, Halloween has just passed and along with the physical pain you feel from eating too much candy and drinking too much Andre, you must now suffer the emotional... MORE »
Maybe One Day You Too Could Be Regional Manager of a Mediocre Paper Company
Andy Bernard has been promoted to Regional Manager of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin. Wonderful news for Cornell! Little does NBC know they are helping promote our school using product placement. Yes, I took a comm class once. And now you can buy all the different items that Andy has displayed proudly on his... MORE »
Cornell Freshmen Outraged to Discover that Costume Contest was Actually Student Assembly Elections
NORTH CAMPUS ““ Freshmen across Cornell University’s North Campus were shocked and infuriated to find out that what they believed to be a costume contest over the past couple of weeks was actually Student Assembly Elections. “I just can’t believe this,” says freshmen student Katie Gold. “Just a few nights ago I was walking... MORE »
Weezy is Freed; White Girls Everywhere Rejoice
White sorority girls across campus are celebrating Dwayne Carter Jr, AKA Lil Wayne’s release from Riker’s Island jail this morning. At around 9 am on November 4th, Weezy was freed after serving eight months of a one year gun sentence (not sure what happened to those other four months), during which he mysteriously released an... MORE »
Cornell Scientist Researches Positive Effects of Wine Tours
Wine Tours embarked upon by members of Cornell students can not only be enjoyable experiences, but they can also be healthy for the physical soul as recently evidenced by Cornell scientist, Gordon Bombay. The study by Bombay concluded that the effect of the grapes that were turned into the wine would produce effects that were... MORE »
Gannett Receives First Bath Salts Patient
Ever since Rudy Eugene, a.k.a. the Miami “Zombie”, made international headlines, the use of bath salts has risen. People are trying to get so high that they eat homeless people’s faces off. Sophomore-to-be Stephen Willis decided to give them a try, and made a terrible mistake. The terrible mistake Willis made had nothing to do... MORE »
My Winter Break Movie Guidelines
If you’re like me then your winter break has been jam packed with movies, and if you’re Jewish like me then these aren’t movies that you’ve paid for. I put more effort into researching a movie I might have to pay to see in theatres than I’ve put into my thesis. First, I check RottenTomatoes.com... MORE »
What I Think About During My Nutrition Lectures
….so the quality of my work has taken a hit, but my A.D.D is alive and well! MORE »
Smart vs Attractive
you will never win MORE »
Let’s Hear It For The Sluts!
It’s the Christmas of college: Halloween weekend. Halloween was once known to all of us, in a much more innocent time, as the night where we dressed up as our favorite superhero and ate as much candy as our tiny tummy’s could hold before we puked. But now that we’re much older and wiser Halloween... MORE »
Snow.. in October?!?!
Proclamations of shock, distrust, and a hint of sexual frustration were heard across the Cornell campus as, on October 27, snow began to fall. Barry Valentine ’15 exclaimed, “I can’t believe it’s snowing in Miami at the end of October! What? We’re not in Miami?…. We’re in upstate New York?… oh then this is perfectly... MORE »
Cornell Nutrition Professor Finds the Cure for Obesity
Professor Robert Johnson, a nationally acclaimed nutrition expert, has devoted his entire career to solving the obesity epidemic. “I have spent years traveling all over the country and the world trying to figure out why people in America are so goddamn fat.” After cross checking all of his references and eliminating all confounding variables, Johnson thinks he’s... MORE »
Freshmen Finally Learn That Fall Break is a Myth
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Loch Ness monster, a good Nicholas Cage movie, Fall break. What do all of these things have in common? They’re not real. Come on, you didn’t really think you were going to get an entire 4 days off in the middle of the Fall semester did you? “But Yom... MORE »
Party at President Skorton’s House!
Since the policy for fraternity parties has changed this semester, many freshmen have been left wondering €œwhere am I gonna get my keystone buzz on and rub up against total strangers?€ Freshmen year without being crowded into the hot sweaty basement of a fraternity house and waking up in a “sober monitor” shirt (that you... MORE »
Library 101
Roommates pet turtle making it hard for you to study in your dorm? Maybe this can help you pick your ideal study spot. Although who are we kidding.. it probably won’t. MORE »
Ithaca is Gorges No More
Due to the recent uproar on the part of both students and faculty President Skorton has finally decided to take down the fences. In place of the infamous fences Skorton has made the executive decision to fill in the gorges. Requests are now being taken to decide what the gorges should be filled with. Might... MORE »
D-List Frat Plans a Mixer With A-List Sorority
No one shows up. MORE »
It’s Finally Here!
For those of you who were captivated by The Pyrimidines and had to go back for more with the Pyrimidines Supplement I and still felt uneasy…well… wait no more. It’s finally here.. the Pyrimidines Supplement II!!!!! It will answer all the questions that The Pyrimidines and the Pyrimidines Supplement I didn’t answer like: Who writes... MORE »
You Know You Go to Cornell When…
You see this picture and think “I’d like to have sex there”. #1 on the list of 161 things to do before you graduate Cornell is sex in the stacks, and as a student I can’t say I’m anymore immune to this than the rest of you.. show me a dark creepy hallway that looks... MORE »
Cornell’s New Approach to Security
Feeling unsafe during your late night walk home from the bars? Follow the lead of this collegetown house! Because seriously, what robber is going to risk being shot with a cannon? There’s no surviving that. MORE »
Cornell’s Dino Discrimination
Can you imagine the carbon footprint on a Hummer big enough to fit a t-rex? Dinosaurs riding bikes are the best way to keep our campus green. MORE »