Over the past year, CUPD received numerous complaints about
students jaywalking. Many students, for whatever reason (texting) decided to
disobey pedestrian traffic laws, causing various close calls wherein motorists
came within inches of running over a Cornell student.


Recently, CUPD has decided to do something about it.


On Thursday, September 16th at 3:23 a.m. Colleen
Fitzgerald was walking home. Since it was late at night, she thought nothing of
the “Don’t Walk” sign on College Avenue and proceeded across the street.
Suddenly, she was tackled to the ground, maced, and handcuffed by a man in
plain clothes.


That man turned out to be Officer Christopher Beachy of
CUPD, who was stationed on College Avenue on a “Sting” operation.


“These kids, like [Fitzgerald], they think the rules don’t
apply to them,” said Beachy. “They think they’re so cool because they’re
enrolled in an Ivy League school and they’ve never had to eat dog food for
three weeks after they got fired from their job at Papa John’s. Maybe now
they’ll think twice.”


Fitzgerald, however, does not think that she did anything


“To be honest, I’m not even sure what happened,” said
Fitzgerald. “One minute I’m walking home, the next thing I know I’m lying
face-down on the ground, my eyes burning and handcuffs being slapped on my
wrist.” Added Fitzgerald, “It was 3:30 in the fucking morning! There were no
cars out! The last thing I expected was to be arrested for jaywalking.”


“That’s exactly what I wanted her to think,” said Beachy.
“I’ll be stationed out there for the entire year if I need to, wearing whatever
crazy costumes necessary until these criminals are brought to justice.
Fitzgerald is just the first in what will hopefully be a long, long line of
Cornell jaywalkers being put away in jail where they belong.”


Fitzgerald has been told by Beachy that she will be serving
anywhere from 35 years to life in prison, but she’s wary of the legality in
arresting a person for jaywalking.


“I’m pretty sure it’s not legal to sentence someone to life
in prison for crossing a street when a light is orange instead of white,” said
Fitzgerald. “I’m assuming that once my lawyer gets here, I’ll pay a fine and be
on my way. This has been one of the most ridiculous experiences of my entire


Said Beachy, in response to Fitzgerald’s comment, “Joke’s on
her. There’s no crosswalk outside our station, so she’ll have to cross the
street illegally. And I’ll be ready for her.”

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