Cornell Researchers recently received $4.5 million to study different grape varieties. Obviously this makes as much as sense as donating $3 million to create a library in the Statler. If this was Jeopardy both these expenditures would be under the category of “Things that make no sense” or even “Unnecessary allocations of funds” (but that’s not as funny). 

The Daily Sun stated that, “Reisch’s $2 million project aims to develop new types of grapes that will have better disease resistance, improved adaptation to the cold and overall quality. These improvements will result in less pesticide use and allow people to grow grapes in more climates”. 
Now it makes sense. Since, I don’t read the Sun in print, but via Twitter (@alexandraposts holla at me social network friends) I had to open the link first to fully understand why exactly they need millions of dollars to study grapes. It is because these are not just regular grapes guys. They are mutant grapes that will withstand anything and thus when we mortals eat them we will no longer fall ill to diseases such as the common cold! They are curing grapes!
And since they use less pesticides these grapes are also environmentalists. We invest in them and they give back to us by creating a better world for us all to live in.
Just kidding, they’re fucking grapes. If you step on them (see photo) they turn to wine. I think it has to do the yeast in between your toes. Oh, and the Statler users are just Hotelies. Neither grapes nor hotelies deserve all this money…….I do (jokes, no but seriously, me). 
And lastly, Prof. Anna Katharine Mansfield was quoted saying “the new grape variety must improve its flavor if it is to become a popular commodity” 

Lady, you don’t need $4.5 million to make wine grapes more popular. This is a college town, make the alcohol content higher and make it taste more like Kedem Grape Juice. Your welcome for that advice.

Now give that money somewhere that is necessary, like to CTB because apparently they’re broke seeing as they have to charge so much for all their food.
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