Look, don’t let the title of this article fool you. I love being a girl. There’s nothing more satisfying than being able to have casual sex every weekend simply by wearing a low cut top with something shiny and distracting on it and mentioning that I have an N64 to go along with my piece of shit big screen TV from “99. Or – if you’re lucky – a steak in the freezer. Let’s be honest ““ despite the fact that we are destined to push a living object of a weight and size akin to a Christmas ham out of our vaginas, being a girl is AWESOME. So many perks! Besides, having that glass ceiling simply gives us another excuse to check out how hot we look at the office. HOWEVER, after observing my fellow species in its natural habitat (that is, Pixel Lounge) I have come to the conclusion that there’s a lot of things I really fucking hate about females. Such annoyances force me to do some pretty crazy things, such as “accidentally” spill my vodka cranberry all over her see through shirt (oh, sorry sweetie, was that silk? I was too busy staring at your lack of a bra to notice), or perhaps nonchalantly elbow her in the face just enough to smear the caked on eye makeup she so delicately applied for two hours prior to leaving her overpriced Collegetown shithole of an apartment (but at least there’s fro-yo in the convenience store downstairs!!!!!!).
Before I keep going, I want you to keep in mind that a lot of the things that really annoy the shit out of me are things that I do, and that my friends do. But the difference between us and the other girls I hate that do these things is that they suck. Plain and simple. If I don’t know “em, they’re probably slutty. Or lesbians. My friends are different in that they’re just amiable flirts with a penchant for sometimes leaving their legs open. They’re charming, witty, and in no way referred to in this article.
That being said, let’s start with a pet peeve about women that we all know and love – the skinny arm. In fact, people love it so much that it even has its own website:http://www.theskinnyarm.com. I’m not going to deny that it works every time. It’s literally grade A magic. Throw in a little head tilt and you’re golden ““ everyone loves you, you’re so cute, you’re the perfect sorority chick, blah blah blah. Here is the part that sucks ““ you see, your arm may look skinny in that photo, but you’re still fat. So is your arm. In fact, your arm really doesn’t look that much skinnier in that photo. Maybe try instragram next time? Give it a little vintage look to make you seem 10 pounds thinner and a little less busted? I heard it’s all the rage with the gay hipsters. You know, the ones that are probably hotter than you.
And fro-yo. Oh, fro-yo. I fucking love fro-yo. But I have the decency to know that although Wow Cow frozen yogurt only contains like 5 calorie per serving, this nutritional content doesn’t apply to the myriad of toppings that usually accompany it. That’s right, your fro-yo might be 5 calories, but with all the cookie dough and Reeses and shit that you just dumped on top of it, you’ve probably consumed enough calories to replenish a tribe of starving African children. Nice work! Did I mention it’s going straight to your thighs? Idiot. The only reason I get fro-yo is because it happens to be on my way home and I’m too lazy to drag my ass downtown to Purity. Don’t even get me started on girls ordering salads on a date. Who are you fooling? Everyone knows vegetarians don’t put out.
Now even though summer is over, it’s still safe to bring up the subject of rompers, which are widely accepted as the “what the fuck” of every women’s clothing section in every department store across the nation. I tried to like it. I really did. All I got in return was a camel toe and an awkward polyester covered boob placement. I can’t tell you how many times I’d be shopping and see a dress that caught my eye, only to pick it up and see that the bottom of it was SHORTS. It infuriates me. Guys can’t possibly find them sexy. You know who wears rompers? LITTLE GIRLS. You are not in fact a little girl, you are a grown woman with a menstrual cycle and adult responsibilities. Unless you are trying to attract pedophiles, I suggest you put that romper back on the rack. How exactly do you expect to take a leak in that thing? It’s gonna be pretty uncomfortable when you have to get strip naked just to pee while crammed into a tiny decrepit bathroom with 3 of your girlfriends that you INSISTED come with you. Think about it. Better yet, just put on some leggings. Works every time.
Another thing that bugs me is girls who don’t swallow. Too inappropriate for you? I don’t care. I’ve consulted a few of my dude friends about this, and the general consensus seems to be that there are quite a few chicks out there who run and spit right after engaging in a delightful round of fellatio. These girls are not my friends. These are the girls asking Siri “How many calories are in semen?” just mere moments before getting hot and heavy with some rando creeper they met outside CTP who told them they look like Angelina Jolie in her making-out-with-her-brother stage. These are the girls who spend hours upon hours agonizing over their embarrassment in asking their mothers whether or not swallowing can get you pregnant. They are otherwise known as virgins. Look at it this way, how can you possibly get pregnant when all of the unborn babies happily traveling along your esophagus are suddenly evaporated by your massive amounts of stomach acid and DIE? Did you not learn that in sex ed? No? You know what, just stay away from intercourse altogether. You’ll probably get syphilis.
I’ve tried to think of some more, but I’m too busy mourning the gradual decline of female integrity. And by mourning I mean I’ve spent the last four hours on photoshop trying to decrease the width of my ass in this photo I took looking hot with my bitches at a Cougars and Cabana Boys mixer. Girl power!