With the Spring semester rapidly approaching, this means one things for bros at Cornell – rush week is in a little over a week. Even for fraternity brothers like myself it is akin to a week of Christmases, but for the rushees it is even better. In possibly the most glorious week of the college year, boys get to experience a week of sleeping till noon, eating delicious free food at every house, and sweet night events you can attend at literally any house where you can have a blast with other sweet bros, drink as much as you want, and see scantily clad babes being, well, scantily clad babes.
Kind of like these girls:
except for the fact that no member of the Euphoria Lingerie League Team actively attends Cornell (except in my dreams), and it is doubtful you’ll see girls in arm-pads and knee-pads holding footballs during rush week – but hey, anythings possible. I once saw a kid pee, poop, and throw up all at the same time during rush week, which was absolutely disgusting but so awesome. He shotgunned a beer after, too.
But I digress. This week is really about potential bros-in-training looking to join one of the finest institutions outside of the Justice League. You may be saying “But Smalls, I am so nervous about rushing! I don’t know what to do, and collegeacb has such conflicting articles! Please enlighten me with your otherworldly knowledge gained from 2+ years of pounding beers, nerds, and babes!” Well, potential bro-in-training, I shall quell your fears, and then some.
1) Houses don’t care if you weren’t around first semester: It doesn’t matter if you spent your first semester playing water pong at Phi Dry – if you’re a cool kid, frats will see it and let you know they like you. But it’s a little weird if you like water pong that much. Or Phi Dry.
2) Don’t become a house dingleberry: Suicide rushing is super dumb. Don’t go to see all 43 houses, but visit a bunch, and spend enough time there to make an impression on brothers. We don’t want to see you for 3 straight hours; it’s hard enough to make small talk for 15 minutes. The key to bro-flirting is the same as regular flirting, only way more gay – keep ’em wanting more.
3) Hospitals aren’t cool: Seriously, nobody wants to take you there during rush week. It’s a total buzz-kill. It doesn’t matter if you can drink 8 beers or 24 (although drinking 24 beers at a night event and still being conscious is pretty awesome), as long as we don’t have to take care of you at the end of the night.
4) Ignore the shit talk: You’ll undoubtedly hear some kids talking trash about other houses, for example “they only hook up with swamp-donkeys” or “they make you do the elephant walk during pledging”. Chances are, none of it’s true and it’s simply losers expressing their jealousy of greater bros. And if you’re really concerned about something, ask members of the house in question – they’ll give you a much better answer and like you more for it.
Well, that’s pretty much it. Enjoy the week of paradise, boys, find the right house for yourself, and maybe I’ll see some of you during rush. I’ll be the kid getting kicked out from all of the other houses besides mine on campus during smokers for trying to steal their free food.