You know that feeling after you eat a Cornell Dining meal
when you have to run to the bathroom 5 minutes after? Well, that won’t be
happening anymore. Today, Cornell University president David Skorton announced
that all dining halls and on-campus eateries will stop lathering enormous
amounts of oil on all foods. The move comes with after thousands of complaints–by students and faculty alike–about explosive diarrhea
and nausea.

Terrell Sidney is among those who support the new legislation. “I’m so glad they went through
with this! I was spending 45 dollars a week on Tums. I believe this will make
my body feel better.” Senior Chris Scheidler agreed, saying, “I love Trillium and I go there every single day,
but every time I leave, my stomach rumbles and I have to run to the nearest
bathroom to get it out.” 

rule was passed due to an incident involving a sophomore in Alice Cook House last
semester. He, who asked not to be named, was in the elevator after a long walk to
West Campus and a big meal at Synapsis. After the elevator came to a sudden halt, the sophomore saw no choice but to defecate all over the elevator. Despite his best efforts to escape, the Elevator Defecation (as it came to be known) was traced back to him. When asked why he dropped his load in the elevator, the anonymous sophomore blamed it on the oil at Synapsis, sparking a debate on whether
or not oil should be used on foods. The oily food that sparked the Shit Heard ‘Round the World was reportedly a salad.

good news is that you won’t have to take a crap after every single meal of the
day. The bad news is your food is now going to taste like crap.