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Flowchart: How Should You Study For Finals?
Breaking News: Lefties Protest Outside Olin
Yesterday, outside Olin Library, Lefties came together to protest against the abundance of righty desks and lack of lefty desks around Cornell’s Campus. With so many famous, successful, lefties, it is disturbing to these students that they are underrepresented. “We used to be persecuted against. There’s a long history of discrimination against our people. My... MORE »
Student Suspended For Attending Too Many Classes
Do you often feel overwhelmed because you are taking too many credits? Do you just go to other classes to just acquire more knowledge? No, I’m pretty sure you and I both don’t. That isn’t the case with junior Megan Kim of the engineering school, who was suspended from Cornell for attending too many classes... MORE »
Study Buddy: A Cornell Basement Syndicated Column
Dear guy sitting behind me in Mann who keeps making sighing noises, I REFUSE to turn around and acknowledge you. I don’t care, I won’t turn around and look at you. Others might, but not me. Your sighs are getting louder and closer together like you’re having contractions. I WON’T look back. Eyes on my... MORE »
4.0 GPA Totally Compensates for Sex-less Semester, Rationalizes Freshman
Upon checking his course grades on student center, freshman Phineas Plottman expressed tempered joy and mild exuberance over the fact that his semester spent not fornicating with members of the opposite sex, culminated in a 4.0 GPA. “Oh my gosh, this feeling is so amazing,” said Plottman meekly, “definitely more satisfying than repeatedly thrusting my... MORE »
Mann Library Sees Increased Attendance Through Rental of Sex Rooms
In attempt to attract more students to the library and to reduce student stress during finals week, Mann library converted all of its rarely-used study rooms into sex rooms. This initiative was sponsored by Cornell CARES, and proved to be a major hit over the course of study week. “Hardly anybody would ever rent out... MORE »
Transfer Pride: I used to go to Maryland
I used to go to a real school. One where there were tailgates and acid dropping on a Monday at 6pm before Lab and a real Greek Week/Homecoming. Ah yes and one where the Jewish Council students broke it down real hard in the library during finals week. At Cornell we have Club Mann…..at UMD... MORE »
This Is What I Made Instead Of Studying
Finals Week! MORE »
Warren Hall Hopes You Are Practicing Safe Studying
As finals week progresses Cornell Administrative staff wish all of the students a safe and healthy experience. Walking to Mann today it was difficult NOT to notice the giant blown-up condoms coming out of Warren Hall. Let it be a reminder to us all on this fine day: you’re super horny, but you’re in the... MORE »
Breaking News: Zombies Discovered in College Campuses
ITHACA, NY””If you are anywhere near a college campus right now, be prepared. The long-hyped up invasion of fictitious soulless corpses has indeed occurred; lifeless college students are attacking us. It is still very unclear as to how these zombies were even created. According to sober observation, a chemical weapon was not unleashed and a... MORE »
Cornell Finals Week Problems
It’s 8AM the Saturday before finals and Olin isn’t open so you study on the roof attempting not to freeze your ass off. It’s 12PM and you spend 30 minutes on the phone with Expedia.com because your flight home has changed and they send you an email telling you to call them immediately, but only... MORE »
Cornell Basement’s Guide to Finding a New MILF Girlfriend During Cornell Days
So you’re walking innocently across Ho Plaza while trying to block out as much of the clock tower chimes as possible, begging for an easier hangover. You’re tired; nauseas, and you look like you haven’t seen daylight in months. But some kid doesn’t look frustrated, burnt out, or miserable. He actually has a smile on... MORE »
Cornell Freshman Goes on 12 Hour Crime Spree
On Tuesday, a man reached headlines around the country after allegedly committing 11 felonies in 9 hours. William Todd, a Kentucky native, managed a night of so much epic criminal absurdity that he even gave The Hangover films a run for their money. His story can be closer followed here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/10/william-todd-crime-spree_n_1415407.html However, with every great “mastermind”... MORE »
Have Decreasing Admission Rates Gone Too Far?
Last Thursday, Cornell released its decisions for its regular admission applicants. The 6,123 students were drawn from an applicant pool of 37,812. According to a person who owns a calculator, this means that the 2012 Cornell Acceptance Rate for 2012 is about 16.2 percent. You might be thinking that’s really selective. But, how selective... MORE »
Prospective Student Chooses Online U Instead So He Can Wear Pajamas
ITHACA, NY—Despite Cornell University’s prestigious reputation, ample academic resources, qualified professors and facility, as well as its aesthetically stunning campus, a former prospective student rescinded his application for the Fall 2012 Semester on Monday. For John McDunnel, a local senior in a New Jersey high school, these qualifications and amenities were just not enough for... MORE »
MISSING: Help Me Find My Freshman Orientation Group!
I blame my Orientation Leader for not warning me this would happen! MORE »
Honest Course Syllabus
Credit to Adam Groner MORE »