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Why You Do Not Want Gandalf As Your Organic Chemistry Professor
Student Bombs Orgo Final: Thirteen Dead and Four Left Wounded.
Investigation pending. MORE »
Cornell Football Sucks
Last year I went to one Cornell home football game. It was homecoming so I don’t remember much, but what I do remember was that the cheerleaders were far more entertaining. I left the game after what I would say was probably five or ten minutes right about the time when the opposing team, Fordham... MORE »
Students Ask For More Easy A Classes
At an institution like Cornell, students may find it difficult to take a course with minimal work and a high class average. Every semester, there are students who sit for hours on Schedulizer trying to find that one “Easy A” course that can make up for their marginal grades in classes like Orgo and Multivariate... MORE »
Sun discovers cornellhub.com, site disappears for a day
At 17:45, Friday, 4 November 2011, an unprecedented blow to Cornellian’s freedom of speech was struck by an affiliate of the Cornell Daily Sun. In a disproportionate reaction to harmless advertisement, Cornell’s brand new image board/community discussion forum, cornellhub.com was hacked. The hacker was identified via IP address as a member of another Cornell group,... MORE »
Cornell Hillel Presents: The Big Red Bris
In an effort to uphold everlasting Jewish traditions, Cornell Hillel hosted a Big Red Bar Mitzvah in Duffield Hall this past weekend. The goal of the event was to provide the opportunity for students, who had not previously held the sacred ceremony, to become Bar or Bat Mitzvot. But Hillel did not stop there. Yesterday... MORE »
BREAKING NEWS: The Cornell Apocalypse is Near
Well, it’s official. The world is ending. After a two week hiatus from Four Loko, students everywhere have been on edge. Life just isn’t the same – people wake up and actually know where they are, with their dignities still intact. THIS IS UNHEARD OF. Long gone are the days of passing out outside of... MORE »
Maybe One Day You Too Could Be Regional Manager of a Mediocre Paper Company
Andy Bernard has been promoted to Regional Manager of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin. Wonderful news for Cornell! Little does NBC know they are helping promote our school using product placement. Yes, I took a comm class once. And now you can buy all the different items that Andy has displayed proudly on his... MORE »
Cornell Doctoral Candidate in Philosophy discovers that Life isn’t Fair
Ms. Lee’s thesis aptly titled “Life is not fair and square” is being lauded as one of the 21st century’s greatest philosophical accomplishments. The thesis took about four years to complete. As part of her research, Ms.Lee toured inner city neighborhoods throughout America where she encountered poverty in various forms. Ms Lee stated that “upon  realizing... MORE »
Cornell Pledges are Sexy And They Know It
AEPi pledges serenade sororities with a junk-jiggling rendition of LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It.” (at 2:09) MORE »
Cornell to Install Ski-Lift to Get Up and Down Slope
You know technology and convenience are taking the world over when you have a ski-lift installed at your school. Well, Cornell, today is our lucky today. This morning, President David Skorton announced that a ski-lift will be installed to make it easier for students to walk up the slope. “This is a new era, and... MORE »
My Winter Break Movie Guidelines
If you’re like me then your winter break has been jam packed with movies, and if you’re Jewish like me then these aren’t movies that you’ve paid for. I put more effort into researching a movie I might have to pay to see in theatres than I’ve put into my thesis. First, I check RottenTomatoes.com... MORE »
What I Think About During My Nutrition Lectures
….so the quality of my work has taken a hit, but my A.D.D is alive and well! MORE »
Smart vs Attractive
you will never win MORE »
Let’s Hear It For The Sluts!
It’s the Christmas of college: Halloween weekend. Halloween was once known to all of us, in a much more innocent time, as the night where we dressed up as our favorite superhero and ate as much candy as our tiny tummy’s could hold before we puked. But now that we’re much older and wiser Halloween... MORE »
Snow.. in October?!?!
Proclamations of shock, distrust, and a hint of sexual frustration were heard across the Cornell campus as, on October 27, snow began to fall. Barry Valentine ’15 exclaimed, “I can’t believe it’s snowing in Miami at the end of October! What? We’re not in Miami?…. We’re in upstate New York?… oh then this is perfectly... MORE »
Cornell Nutrition Professor Finds the Cure for Obesity
Professor Robert Johnson, a nationally acclaimed nutrition expert, has devoted his entire career to solving the obesity epidemic. “I have spent years traveling all over the country and the world trying to figure out why people in America are so goddamn fat.” After cross checking all of his references and eliminating all confounding variables, Johnson thinks he’s... MORE »
Freshmen Finally Learn That Fall Break is a Myth
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Loch Ness monster, a good Nicholas Cage movie, Fall break. What do all of these things have in common? They’re not real. Come on, you didn’t really think you were going to get an entire 4 days off in the middle of the Fall semester did you? “But Yom... MORE »
Math Library Needs to Recalculate its Priorities
it’s cool if I leave my iPod and laptop alone here right? MORE »
Party at President Skorton’s House!
Since the policy for fraternity parties has changed this semester, many freshmen have been left wondering €œwhere am I gonna get my keystone buzz on and rub up against total strangers?€ Freshmen year without being crowded into the hot sweaty basement of a fraternity house and waking up in a “sober monitor” shirt (that you... MORE »
Library 101
Roommates pet turtle making it hard for you to study in your dorm? Maybe this can help you pick your ideal study spot. Although who are we kidding.. it probably won’t. MORE »
Ithaca is Gorges No More
Due to the recent uproar on the part of both students and faculty President Skorton has finally decided to take down the fences. In place of the infamous fences Skorton has made the executive decision to fill in the gorges. Requests are now being taken to decide what the gorges should be filled with. Might... MORE »
D-List Frat Plans a Mixer With A-List Sorority
No one shows up. MORE »
It’s Finally Here!
For those of you who were captivated by The Pyrimidines and had to go back for more with the Pyrimidines Supplement I and still felt uneasy…well… wait no more. It’s finally here.. the Pyrimidines Supplement II!!!!! It will answer all the questions that The Pyrimidines and the Pyrimidines Supplement I didn’t answer like: Who writes... MORE »
You Know You Go to Cornell When…
You see this picture and think “I’d like to have sex there”. #1 on the list of 161 things to do before you graduate Cornell is sex in the stacks, and as a student I can’t say I’m anymore immune to this than the rest of you.. show me a dark creepy hallway that looks... MORE »
Cornell’s New Approach to Security
Feeling unsafe during your late night walk home from the bars? Follow the lead of this collegetown house! Because seriously, what robber is going to risk being shot with a cannon? There’s no surviving that. MORE »
Cornell’s Dino Discrimination
Can you imagine the carbon footprint on a Hummer big enough to fit a t-rex? Dinosaurs riding bikes are the best way to keep our campus green. MORE »