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Why You Do Not Want Gandalf As Your Organic Chemistry Professor

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November 12, 2011 at 2:32 pm
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December 9, 2011

Student Bombs Orgo Final: Thirteen Dead and Four Left Wounded.

Investigation pending. MORE »

September 20, 2010

Cornell Football Sucks

 Last year I went to one Cornell home football game. It was homecoming so I don’t remember much, but what I do remember was that the cheerleaders were far more entertaining.  I left the game after what I would say was probably five or ten minutes right about the time when the opposing team, Fordham... MORE »

September 29, 2011

Campus Police Run Out of Donuts, Issue 143 Jaywalking Violations

This Monday afternoon, Cornell campus police faced the unthinkable when they ran out of fresh Wegmans donuts. The police officers campus police were sitting in their parked cars near the intersection of College Avenue and Campus Road when they discovered that they had eaten all of their donuts. “Well we were just sitting there minding... MORE »

March 19, 2012

Student Suspended For Attending Too Many Classes

Do you often feel overwhelmed because you are taking too many credits? Do you just go to other classes to just acquire more knowledge? No, I’m pretty sure you and I both don’t. That isn’t the case with junior Megan Kim of the engineering school, who was suspended from Cornell for attending too many classes... MORE »

October 12, 2011

Ever Wondered Why ILRies Don’t Have a Math Requirement?

…who really needs math anyway? MORE »

November 22, 2010

Alex Trebek is Pissed

Alex Trebek has announced if the misrepresentation doesn’t stop he is going to be suing any TA that plays the game “Jeopardy” in their section to either prepare for an exam, or just because they couldn’t think of anything else to do during class. Trebek refused to make a statement to us, but it is... MORE »

December 30, 2011

Our New Year’s Resolutions 2012 (Cornell)

This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite!Having reflected upon the past year we here at Cornell Campus Basement have realized we’ve done some really bad things. Like, we’ve made really some awful decisions. ... MORE »

October 2, 2011

Cornell University “Because You Can Sleep When You’re Dead.”

MORE »

August 25, 2011

The Treacherous 5.8 Earthquake Felt on the New HumEc Quad

Faculty and staff are working around the clock to place outdoor lawn furniture back in their appropriate locations. MORE »

February 19, 2011

CollegeACB Causes Campus-wide Brawl

After over a month of anonymous debates over what sorority really has the best pledge class/is the coolest/is most liked/has the most sluts, sororities still have yet to reach a consensus, so they resorted to the only true test to end this quest for the truth – a campus wide throw-down. Early reports point towards... MORE »

February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine’s Day !

MORE »

January 5, 2012

My Winter Break Movie Guidelines

If you’re like me then your winter break has been jam packed with movies, and if you’re Jewish like me then these aren’t movies that you’ve paid for. I put more effort into researching a movie I might have to pay to see in theatres than I’ve put into my thesis. First, I check RottenTomatoes.com... MORE »

December 1, 2011

What I Think About During My Nutrition Lectures

MORE »

November 7, 2011

What I Think About During My Nutrition Lectures

….so the quality of my work has taken a hit, but my A.D.D is alive and well! MORE »

November 2, 2011

Smart vs Attractive

you will never win MORE »

October 28, 2011

Let’s Hear It For The Sluts!

It’s the Christmas of college: Halloween weekend. Halloween was once known to all of us, in a much more innocent time, as the night where we dressed up as our favorite superhero and ate as much candy as our tiny tummy’s could hold before we puked. But now that we’re much older and wiser Halloween... MORE »

October 27, 2011

Snow.. in October?!?!

Proclamations of shock, distrust, and a hint of sexual frustration were heard across the Cornell campus as, on October 27, snow began to fall.  Barry Valentine ’15 exclaimed, “I can’t believe it’s snowing in Miami at the end of October! What? We’re not in Miami?…. We’re in upstate New York?… oh then this is perfectly... MORE »

October 14, 2011

Cornell Nutrition Professor Finds the Cure for Obesity

Professor Robert Johnson, a nationally acclaimed nutrition expert, has devoted his entire career to solving the obesity epidemic. “I have spent years traveling all over the country and the world trying to figure out why people in America are so goddamn fat.” After cross checking all of his references and eliminating all confounding variables, Johnson thinks he’s... MORE »

October 11, 2011

Freshmen Finally Learn That Fall Break is a Myth

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Loch Ness monster, a good Nicholas Cage movie, Fall break. What do all of these things have in common? They’re not real.  Come on, you didn’t really think you were going to get an entire 4 days off in the middle of the Fall semester did you? “But Yom... MORE »

October 7, 2011

Math Library Needs to Recalculate its Priorities

it’s cool if I leave my iPod and laptop alone here right?  MORE »

September 17, 2011

Party at President Skorton’s House!

Since the policy for fraternity parties has changed this semester, many freshmen have been left wondering €œwhere am I gonna get my keystone buzz on and rub up against total strangers?€ Freshmen year without being crowded into the hot sweaty basement of a fraternity house and waking up in a “sober monitor” shirt (that you... MORE »

September 1, 2011

Library 101

Roommates pet turtle making it hard for you to study in your dorm? Maybe this can help you pick your ideal study spot. Although who are we kidding.. it probably won’t. MORE »

April 15, 2011

Ithaca is Gorges No More

Due to the recent uproar on the part of both students and faculty President Skorton has finally decided to take down the fences. In place of the infamous fences Skorton has made the executive decision to fill in the gorges. Requests are now being taken to decide what the gorges should be filled with.  Might... MORE »

April 15, 2011

D-List Frat Plans a Mixer With A-List Sorority

No one shows up. MORE »

February 18, 2011

It’s Finally Here!

For those of you who were captivated by The Pyrimidines and had to go back for more with the Pyrimidines Supplement I and still felt uneasy…well… wait no more. It’s finally here.. the Pyrimidines Supplement II!!!!! It will answer all the questions that The Pyrimidines and the Pyrimidines Supplement I didn’t answer like: Who writes... MORE »

December 14, 2010

You Know You Go to Cornell When…

You see this picture and think “I’d like to have sex there”.  #1 on the list of 161 things to do before you graduate Cornell is sex in the stacks, and as a student I can’t say I’m anymore immune to this than the rest of you.. show me a dark creepy hallway that looks... MORE »

November 7, 2010

Cornell’s New Approach to Security

Feeling unsafe during your late night walk home from the bars? Follow the lead of this collegetown house! Because seriously, what robber is going to risk being shot with a cannon? There’s no surviving that. MORE »

November 5, 2010

Cornell’s Dino Discrimination

Can you imagine the carbon footprint on a Hummer big enough to fit a t-rex? Dinosaurs riding bikes are the best way to keep our campus green. MORE »

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