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Warren Hall Hopes You Are Practicing Safe Studying
As finals week progresses Cornell Administrative staff wish all of the students a safe and healthy experience. Walking to Mann today it was difficult NOT to notice the giant blown-up condoms coming out of Warren Hall. Let it be a reminder to us all on this fine day: you're super horny, but you're in the library this entire weekend because of that huge final on Monday...sucks to be you! Oh and always use protection.
Breaking News: Lefties Protest Outside Olin
Yesterday, outside Olin Library, Lefties came together to protest against the abundance of righty desks and lack of lefty desks around Cornell’s Campus. With so many famous, successful, lefties, it is disturbing to these students that they are underrepresented. “We used to be persecuted against. There’s a long history of discrimination against our people. My... MORE »
Promiscuous Daily Sun Photographer Catalogues 161 O-Faces of Cornell
In a special feature of Monday’s Daily Sun, libidinous Sun photographer Stephanie Adams ’13 unveiled a year-long project in which she captured the euphoric faces of 161 Cornell men and women mid-orgasm, and then edited the photos into black and white. The 4-page long spread encapsulates the diversity of the Cornell study body, through its... MORE »
My Winter Break Movie Guidelines
If you’re like me then your winter break has been jam packed with movies, and if you’re Jewish like me then these aren’t movies that you’ve paid for. I put more effort into researching a movie I might have to pay to see in theatres than I’ve put into my thesis. First, I check RottenTomatoes.com... MORE »
Things I Hate About Females. Written by a Female.
Look, don’t let the title of this article fool you. I love being a girl. There’s nothing more satisfying than being able to have casual sex every weekend simply by wearing a low cut top with something shiny and distracting on it and mentioning that I have an N64 to go along with my piece... MORE »
4.0 GPA Totally Compensates for Sex-less Semester, Rationalizes Freshman
Upon checking his course grades on student center, freshman Phineas Plottman expressed tempered joy and mild exuberance over the fact that his semester spent not fornicating with members of the opposite sex, culminated in a 4.0 GPA. “Oh my gosh, this feeling is so amazing,” said Plottman meekly, “definitely more satisfying than repeatedly thrusting my... MORE »
Mann Library Sees Increased Attendance Through Rental of Sex Rooms
In attempt to attract more students to the library and to reduce student stress during finals week, Mann library converted all of its rarely-used study rooms into sex rooms. This initiative was sponsored by Cornell CARES, and proved to be a major hit over the course of study week. “Hardly anybody would ever rent out... MORE »
Transfer Pride: I used to go to Maryland
I used to go to a real school. One where there were tailgates and acid dropping on a Monday at 6pm before Lab and a real Greek Week/Homecoming. Ah yes and one where the Jewish Council students broke it down real hard in the library during finals week. At Cornell we have Club Mann…..at UMD... MORE »
This Is What I Made Instead Of Studying
Finals Week! MORE »
Finals Fornication
It is terribly important that we all at Cornell, get A’s on every exam and every paper. But, the most important weeks of our year come in December and May. Finals week. From interviews and experience Cornell Basement has found that the ultimate key to success during Finals Week is sex. Yes, you can be... MORE »
Breaking News: Zombies Discovered in College Campuses
ITHACA, NY””If you are anywhere near a college campus right now, be prepared. The long-hyped up invasion of fictitious soulless corpses has indeed occurred; lifeless college students are attacking us. It is still very unclear as to how these zombies were even created. According to sober observation, a chemical weapon was not unleashed and a... MORE »