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YOOO FAT WHITE BIIIITCH!!!

So like my bizniss manager sed it’d be a good meiffovve to write you a
lettttter about shit I wnt in my life.

The guys a total DOUCHER so I normzlldyyy don’t do shit he says im fuked
up so here goes:

OK SO you knooow that powdery white stuuuff you and ur elves have a lot
of in
the north pole????

Sendd a couple kilos of thaaxdt shiiatt down the chimanytrd if
possibleee.

Let Jsutin Beiber no thatg I miss ighs long hair. he waont’ accept my
calls anymore. Fucking selena homez!

And let my next role be something where I can eb a vampire. I need
something to gets me out of the rut I’m in”¦besiedes for my drugs. No more
drugs”¦more drugs. And a starring role in the nexst Twiglhits. Bella’s baby?

Xoxo

Lindsay Lohan

PS: you straight? you down? ;)

Dear Sdnata,

Im sorry I didn’t bake the cookies, but I’m positivr youll like these oreos.
Double stuffed are the TITS (in the good way, not the bad way, tits should
always be good i don;t know wshy people say tits to be bad). But yea, I ate all
the dough 2 nights ago (Sorry, long night being a good boy).

If you need any sort of help getting through the chimney, please call me.
You should have my number. Oh wait I lied, I don’t get service in my house.
That’s why Im going to neeeeed you to bring me an iphone. Consider it bettering
my life, and not a gift. I will thank you soon over facetime.

Also, you must be wondering, hey, why haven’t I heard from you in so many
years? Well I finally got the balls to write to you Santa. Took a few shots of
jack…that new honey jack. It’s so good, it’s like bees in my mouth, but in
agood way.

If there’s anychange you can get the huffington post to stop tweeting
ambigiouosu titles so im constantly lcicking on shit that TAKES em to
asdvertisements that’d be grrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat.

Anywaym, I digest”¦digest”¦.DIGESTTT, fucking autocorruoect! This year for
christmahass, I wwjant an xbox720, an iphad and stephanieh. I’ce been a reallyg
good boy this yearrs.

OK fuck this… Actually ive been a bad boi this year. I justs killed a homeless man….they’res not real people anyayy… idk if that puts me on the naughty list or the nice
list, you tell me? Oh and tell jsues I say hih.

-Greg

Mr Kringle”¦.Kris,

I am writing to you on this first nigh tof Hannukah, as my way of letting
you know that I bleive!!!!!

It has taken me 23 eyars to get myself edrunjk enough to write to you, but
ib have always believed in you man. A?Nd although I may not be of the faith
that celebrate Christmas, Ikknow that the man himself was a fellow jwem and my dasd’s
a carpenter”¦.i feel connectred to you guys someqwhow.

Well, let me dbeing by askingfor the standards:

-peace in the middle east

-let my people goo

-next year injerusalem

-let my mother accept me for t he weay I am a nd not by who I marry and
my job titles seeing as im unemployed and living in her basemnts

Also”¦.PLEASEEE bring beanie babies back”¦ive got like 90 with the tags till
on, those better be worth something at this point. I go t thme everyone night
of Chanukakah forlike 4 years straigtht. An d if you tnk ytheyre never
gonna amount to anything lemme know or just takem,
come down my chimney for a changw and take em away from me.

I leave you some jelly donuts.

OH I lwould love to see more senior citizen flash mobs,m you can nenver
have to many in your life

I feel like im ttreating oyu like agenie, I inkoow you’re not
a genie”¦sorry if tyou feel offensded. I think Charels Feenye might be a
genie, maybes if I waS A HOTELIe I’d have a job. Stupid ILR major, got me
nowhere, but I buncvh of HR interviews. No one liesk thieyre HR people!

Holpe this reacahers you before you leave to give out gitfds! I wold truly
appreciate it and maybe if you do these things for me nedct year I won’t feel
so guilty having a charitmsta tree in my mom’s basement covered in Hanukkah
ornaments.

Love hyou man. I belive. Just like in Polar Express”¦.quality film man qualittttyyy!!!

David.

PS: Thanks for beinging basketball back. I’m a giants fan so I
was aoubt to give up on sports akltogether and then I saw the light, the light
in Chris Broussard’s green ass beautiful eyes..no homo.