On Friday, December 16, 2011, Cornell University
received a massive donation to its NYC Tech Campus. It was obviously an amazing
day for Cornell, after just learning that Stanford renounced its bid just hours
before.

As administrators celebrated, clueless Cornell
students became overwhelmed with ubiquitous Facebook statuses and pompous
Student Assembly leaders bragging of “their” achievement. Although such people
were ecstatic, many members of the student body seemed confused.

“Like, I don’t understand, why are all these people
so excited about this?” asked Jennifer Stein, a freshman in the Hotel School.
“Is that like a lot of money or something?” After explaining to her that 350
million dollars is in fact a lot of money, Stein responded, “Oh.”

Stein’s friend, Katie, also had something to say.
“Unlike Jennifer, I don’t live in a bubble. But, I think, we should have asked
for more. Like, whenever my parents give me something, I always ask for
something else afterwards and they always give that to me too. We should have
done that, you know. These administrators must be pretty stupid.”

Although the donor preferred to remain anonymous, I’m
sure he or she must now feel damn proud for contributing so much to such a
notable university with some of the brightest and insightful minds in the world.

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