ITHACA, NY””If you are anywhere near a college campus right
now, be prepared. The long-hyped up invasion of fictitious soulless corpses has
indeed occurred; lifeless college students are attacking us.

It is still very unclear as to how these zombies were even
created. According to sober observation, a chemical weapon was not unleashed
and a preceding nationwide epidemic was nonexistent. But then how, how did this
happen?

Keith Barsons, a long time researcher of the paranormal and
Star Trek, thinks he knows the answer. “You see, this epidemic. It all started
right around when classes ended. There is a strong correlation between final
exams and zombies!” He continued, “It has something to do with those damn libraries
those kids go to. Something is happening in those places.”

When asked about Barson’s crazy theory, David Spield, a
Cornell Biology professor, had this to say: “Yeah, sure””whatever the crazy sci-fi
nerd guy says. This is a very fascinating topic regardless. I think I might
make my students know all about this for their final. What’s the added
pressure, right?”

In spite of Spield’s juvenile optimism, this writer has a
much more serious warning: Zombies are a serious threat. Anyone else that
thinks otherwise has obviously never seen Dawn of the Dead. Did you see that
part when the pregnant woman got bitten? That was some serious shit right
there.

Now, here are a few quick tips to help you stay safe during
this infestation of zombie college kids:

If someone confronts you and you are unsure if that person is a zombie or a regular normal
human being, ask it a simple question that has nothing to do with academics. If
it looks like it is slow in registering the question, that thing is in fact a
zombie. Observations have shown that zombies, although being lifeless, are
strangely still able to display random academic knowledge.

Whatever you do though, do not go to the library! These
places are breeding grounds for soulless corpses. By any researchers’ analysis,
it is clear that zombies in this environment have not left in quite awhile.
Many of them sit in the same spot for days on end. And they smell bad too.

Now, similar to many of our beloved Zombie Documentaries, I
will share my knowledge on how to most efficiently destroy a zombie if
confronted. When walking anywhere near a college campus, be sure to be carrying
your weapon filled with at least 5 shots”¦.5 shots of espresso that is. My
personal favorite is the Starbucks Mocha Double-Shot canisters. They’re
destructive and delicious. Once you have a clear shot, take it. Aim right for
their mouth and watch your friend come back to life.

Note: This is only a temporary solution. Your friend will
ultimately be faced with the cruel fate of lifeless immortality. And when they
become a zombie again, all they will do is try and drag you to the library with
them so you can become a zombie too.

So listen; I’m not saying
that you should put your friend down right then and there. But you need to
consider the facts. Your friend is inevitably going to be a zombie once it runs
out of caffeine. So you need to ask yourself, how many Starbucks Mocha Double
Shot Espresso’s is your friend really worth?