just received word that Cornell freshman Jimmy Applebaum has been stranded on Cornell’s
campus since missing his bus home to Great Neck, Long Island last Tuesday.
Jimmy, who is a geology major, apparently
slept through his alarm on Tuesday morning after a rigorous table tennis
tournament that occurred in the Mews 2nd floor lounge the night before.
Afterwards, he was forced to sleep outside his dorm room after being sexiled by
his roommate, Xiao Le, until the wee hours of the morning. Once Xiao Le emerged
from the room and let Jimmy back in, Jimmy passed out and ignored the alarm on
his phone, waking up 2 hours after the bus was scheduled to leave. Jimmy
proceeded to wait at the bus stop on North Campus until 3 am, when he finally
realized that he had missed his bus. When he tried to go back to his dorm, it
was too late ““ the residence halls were officially closed for the semester.
When asked why she and her husband didn’t just
pick Jimmy up in Ithaca that week, Ida Applebaum – Jimmy’s mother – declined to
comment, while muttering something about a sale at Nordstrom’s. Mr. Applebaum
was equally as unresponsive, but did tell our reporters to tell Jimmy that “the
keys to the house are under the doormat if you need it.” Jimmy himself has been unable to be
reached, since his cell phone broke in half while attempting to throw it at his alarm clock on that infamous morning.
Jimmy was last seen wearing an “I <3 Female
Orgasm” t-shirt and sweatpants while digging up holes on the Slope in hopes of
finding buried bottles of Bacardi. According to our sources, he has also been
seen camping out on West Campus fraternity lawns in hopes of making an early
start on Rush Week, attempting to enter the Palms using his Cornell ID card,
and sitting in the Statler Student Lounge refreshing his Student Center
homepage over and over again on the lounge computers for several hours at a
time. Local businesses say that he has even been trying to barter Cornell Store
wooden coupon coins for food and toiletries.
If you or anyone you know has seen Jimmy,
please call Campus Police or take him under your wing. No one wants to be alone
on Christmas, so please find the love in your heart and find him a guy that makes a mean fake ID ““ you’ll be happy you did.