**AUTHOR’S NOTES (Yes, I have several): 1) I am not as shallow as this article makes me out to be. 2) If you’re in Seal and Serpent and you’re offended by this article, I don’t care. 3) If you’re from A&E, please don’t sue me.**

Follow along with my post here: http://www.aetv.com/strange-days-with-bob-saget/video/?paidlink=1&vid=AETV_SEM_Search&keywords=bob%2Bsaget&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=strange%20days%20with%20bob%20saget&utm_term=bob%20saget

In case you all forgot, Bob Saget (aka Danny Tanner) randomly showed up last semester which a bunch of TV crew members to film a show for A&E about frat life at Cornell at the arguably most unfrattiest frat on campus, Seal & Serpent Society (they don’t even have greek letters – that’s like soooo not frat). I first heard about the Saget sightings while sitting in my sorority’s kitchen gossiping about the three B’s (for all you lay people, that’s booze, boys, and bids). Naturally, when the topic of boys arose, Bob Saget and his visit was brought up.

My first instinct? GET IN THE CAR AS FAST AS YOU CAN WE ARE GOING TO SEAL AND SERPENT, BITCHES. Next thing I knew, we were outside of Seal and Serpent sketchily sitting in the car across the street (this was probably the first time any of us had even seen or heard Seal and Serpent, but hey, there’s a first time for everything). I saw some people on the top floor, so with my hoodrat upbringing I naturally had to shout some annoying shit at them until I got their attention. The conversation that followed went a little like this:

J: HEY BOB SAGET! HEY! IS BOB SAGET IN THERE?! HELLO!?
Rando from upstairs window: Hi I’m Bob Saget.
J: WAIT, SERIOUSLY? NO YOU’RE NOT. COME OVER HERE! CAN WE COME TO YOUR PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT?! HELLO?! YOU THERE???
(No answer. Multiple randos open the front door and start walking to our car)
Gaggle of randos swarming my Rav4: Hey girls, would you like to come to our toga party tomorrow night? It’s 18 to get in, and 21 to drink…
Everyone in the car (as we speed away): WE CAN’T DRINK UNDERAGE AT THAT SHIT?! HELL NO SEE YA LATERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Abrupt? Maybe. But I still didn’t get to see Bob Saget that night, and I sure wasn’t gonna go to a party where I couldn’t funnel bags of wine down my throat illegally at the tender age of 20. ALAS ““ A&E finally decided to air the infamous episode about 8 months later so I could finally see Saget at Cornell, and I made sure my ass was parked on the couch at 10:30 pm on December 7th, 2010 to watch it. My life has been changed (and slightly violated) ever since then. I now present to you my own personal and very short recap of the events that occurred during this half hour of greatness:

The show opens with some absolutely gorgeous shots of Cornell’s campus. Aww A&E, don’t make me blush. I know my campus is beautiful, too bad I’m too busy having my soul sucked out of my body in the library on a daily basis to stare at it all day (just kidding, I don’t do homework). Bob Saget talks about Cornell, how great it is, etc. and the alma mater plays in the background for the first of about 3469736093 times during the episode. He sketchily sits outside of Olin Library as a tour group walks by, mumbling about how if they get admitted to Cornell he’ll be there for all four years. The tour group smiles awkwardly. There goes 20 people who WON’T be applying to Cornell next year….

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Now we see that Bob Saget has arrived at Seal & Serpent (affectionately known as ‘Kneel and Slurp It’), talking about how he will spend the next week pledging the fraternity in hopes of becoming an honorary brother. He enters the house, and for some weird reason, everyone is sitting in the room creepily starting at him while wearing full suits. The camera provides a shot of the entire brotherhood:

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Hmmm…. one of these things is not like the other. The episode instantly turns into a new drinking game called “Who the fuck is that old dude!?”. Seriously, though, who is that old dude…? After another 10 scenes involving grandpa just bro-in out with the bros, I’m already a few shots deep when another 50 year old creeper comes on screen (Note to Cornell Police -I think we found the forcible toucher. You can thank A&E.):

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Once again….who the fuck is that old dude? SPOILER ALERT: We never find out. Seal & Serpent, I don’t know what kind of operation you’re running over there on Thurston but it sure as hell is giving me the heebie jeebies. On that note, Bob starts throwing in one of many highly perverted statements, talking about how “a nice young man I just met named Chris invited me up to his room to show me his serpent.” Come again? This is becoming borderline pedophilia. It gets better ““ we hear their conversation from inside Chris’s room:

Chris: It’s not the biggest..
Bob: Dude, not the biggest, I mean”¦what? You’re happy to see me, obviously.
Chris: (Nervous laughter)
Bob: And it’s not gonna hurt me, Chris?

Make of this conversation what you will. And while you’re doing that, get ready for another awkward encounter between Bob and some innocent chick walking into the house as he goes outside to make his pledge paddle:

Bob (walking out the front door): Ah, pardon my wood.
Rando chick with macbook: It’s so big!
Bob (chuckling creepily): Thank you very much.

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Ew. Did you really think it was over? NO! While carving his paddle:

Seal and Serpent Brother: Your first cut ““ how does it feel?
Bob: Are you a rabbi?

I’m so uncomfortable at this point that I even pull my shirt up just in case Bob Saget can maybe see my cleavage through the TV screen. Yep, THAT uncomfortable. The scene cuts to Bob attending classes with one of the brothers. Bob hands out flyers for the toga party on saturday and realized that about 75% of Cornellians are fresh off the boat asian and don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. He then goes to an AEM class where we witness the majority of the class taking advantage of their Ivy League Education by falling asleep sitting up. These Cornell kids are such great multitaskers…

Now we find Bob at a Seal and Serpent formal. The alma mater is sung for the bajillionth time by an a cappella group that for some reason only seems to accept members that wear glasses (make us look more like ugly pretentious assholes, I dare you). Bob is given his pledge name, Peppermill, which stems from some really disturbing story that somehow relates Full House and a donkey’s penis. Everyone claps.The brother that Bob’s been following around all day brings his girlfriend (who is a foot taller than him) to the front of the room and looks like he’s going to propose, but instead announces that he would be honored if she would wear his brotherhood pin:

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UMMMMMMM what. Who does that. The only thing I got from my ex boyfriend was swine flu and a shitty bouquet of tulips from a frat formal that I accidentally threw up on later that night. In true Bob Saget form, he makes several jokes about “pinning” his girlfriend and shit gets weird. Later that night they throw the pinning kid into the lake which is totally what I do to my friends every weekend because nothing says “let’s rage” like giving your friends pneumonia by throwing them into a -10 degree gorge for fun.

The next day Bob visits the A.D. White Room in Uris Library (AKA the only library you ever see all over the damn place in Cornell brochures) and reminisces about the week with his honorary bros as they prepare for the upcoming toga party. Instead of offering sage Mr. Tanner advice, Bob just says “You can basically see up someone’s skirt from here”:

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OK that’s it. That’s just gross. He might as well be prancing across the arts quad with a shirt that says “I visited Cornell and all I got was a sexual harassment lawsuit!” How can they air this shit on TV and not have parents taking their kids out of school with weirdos like this running around Ithaca?

When they finally decide to show the climactic toga party/end of Bob’s visit/inaccurate portrayal of Cornell’s ability to follow the U.S. drinking age laws, all we see is sorostitutes awkwardly swaying to LIVE – as in from a LIVE band, not from an iPod connected to a shitty sound system playing Jason DeRulo ““ music. Obviously these girls don’t know how to dance without having their asses permanently attached to some random dude’s crotch in a sweaty frat basement. But I digress…

Not much else happens the rest of the episode. Some slutty looking chick keeps popping up throughout the party (I will refrain from putting the screenshot here), and at one point Bob has his arm around her saying “someone call my attorney!”. Looks like someone didn’t have a father figure growing up. More innapropriate jokes are made throughout the remaining minutes and then Bob is inducted into the Society. The episode ends with Bob leading everyone in singing the alma mater, in which he mispronounces “Cayuga” as “Ky-oh-ga”. Retard.

Moral of the story? Don’t let this Z-list freak anywhere near this campus for the rest of his life. It’s safe to say I’m never watching Full House again.