After winning a government grant worth 250,000 dollars, Professor
James Maas and his psychology students embarked on an exciting study,
attempting to gauge the level of boredom found amongst college students during
Maas and his students attached tracking devices to home-bound students
that tracked their activity; their results were astounding. Maas told the daily sun that “I can say
with strong certainty that being home is quite boring”. He went on to state
that hundreds of hours of evidence supported his conclusion.
Basement met with some students
who actually participated in the study. Freshman Jim Bell stated “I completely
agree with Maas’s conclusion, I mean, there are only so many times one can jerk
off on any given day”.
Even University President Skorton ,who lives in New York city
during the break, chimed in his
thoughts on the study “As always, Professor Maas’s thesis is sound and his
conclusion phenomenal, I would be lying
if I told you that I didn’t miss the freedom of being able to smoke weed
whenever I want in my room up in Ithaca.”, Skorton later stated ” macking
bitches is so much harder with the wife around”.
While many praised Maas’s work
other found themselves disagreeing with the esteemed psychology professor.
Student Bill Meyers had this to say about the study, “Being home is awesome, my
mom gives me good night kisses, my dog sleeps right next to me in my bed, and I can watch Glee
on regular basis without having to worry about studying!”.
When asked about
Meyers criticism, professor Maas stated that Bill Meyers was probably “a
pussy”, and being gay is a “confounding variable”.