Campus Basement Newsletter!
It's #Follow MONDAYFollow @campusbasement
- 21 alcohol basketball beer boeheim campus christmas classes college Cornell dorms dps drinking drunk facebook finals food fraternities frats freshmen funny girls greek halloween holidays library love mizzou money movies music otto parties politics professors sex snow sororities sports students student sketches washu weather winter women
Cornell Engineers Design New Ball Sac
Jon Stewart made a joke about how poorly designed the male testicles are. Referring to how man is made in God’s own image he said, “Why would he take all our nerve endings and place them in a little sac that dangles outside of our bodies easily exposed to…tap (makes nut tapping noise)?
Although intended as a joke, Cornell Engineers did not see just the humor of it. They saw an opportunity for innovation. A chance to make Cornell a shoe-in for the Tech Campus in NYC. Can you see the headline now? “Cornell Engineers Design New Ball Sac…suck on that Stanford!”
We met with some engineers in a location where they would feel comfortable; at the grassy knoll inside of Mann Library. (Yeah guys, remember when that was a thing? Too bad it didn’t catch on….imagine if inside everywhere on campus it looked like outside..NO because that would be stupid because it is inside!!!! Just like the arrangement of the ball sac. See, that rant has a purpose.)
When asked about the research and preliminary design engineers have for the new sac-o-balls they commented that, “Currently, we are figuring out whether we want to move the sac to a new location on the body or if we just want to revamp the whole thing. We want to make the lives of males easier, seeing as they struggle every day to avoid accidents”.
Once the group of engineers has perfected the male genitalia they are hoping to tackle the whole excruciatingly painful birth process and potentially that whole menstruation deal. Were not perfect, but science can make us that way….
Do you often feel overwhelmed because you are taking too many credits? Do you just go to other classes to just acquire more knowledge? No, I’m pretty sure you and I both don’t. That isn’t the case with junior Megan Kim of the engineering school, who was suspended from Cornell for attending too many classes... MORE »
Cornell Student Assembly has decided to take the necessary steps towards making College Avenue a safer and happier place for all. Currently when walking down College Avenue on the sidewalk it is not uncommon to have to walk out of the way of a car parked on the curb. When you drive down College Avenue... MORE »
Summer has started and many students who are staying in Ithaca have been moving into new apartments to get settled in early. That is not the case for freshman Brian Michael Timinsky, who was found by maintenance living in Bailey Hall on Tuesday. Apparently, Timinsky had set up a living quarters in the basement of... MORE »
In a special feature of Monday’s Daily Sun, libidinous Sun photographer Stephanie Adams ’13 unveiled a year-long project in which she captured the euphoric faces of 161 Cornell men and women mid-orgasm, and then edited the photos into black and white. The 4-page long spread encapsulates the diversity of the Cornell study body, through its... MORE »
Yesterday, on an ordinary crisp autumn day, twelve Cornellian’s witnessed a miracle. That miracle being Cornell’s first football win in over seventy two consecutive years. In their premier homecoming game, Cornell’s team reigned victorious over Bucknell in a 24-13 win. Coach Kent Austin was both ” ecstatic” and “humbled” by the astonishing win. Unfortunately, with about 97 percent of... MORE »
While there are not many Miami Heat fans in Ithaca, especially right now, there was one in Campus Hill during the team’s loss to the Boston Celtics on Tuesday night. Everyone still in the building found out that senior-to-be Martin Majerle was still in Ithaca as soon as the final buzzer ring. Majerle started... MORE »
If you’re like me then your winter break has been jam packed with movies, and if you’re Jewish like me then these aren’t movies that you’ve paid for. I put more effort into researching a movie I might have to pay to see in theatres than I’ve put into my thesis. First, I check RottenTomatoes.com... MORE »
After last Friday’s 85-degree weather, it appears that Cornell University has used all of its spring maintenance funding on keeping the Lake Effects snow out of the forecast, not accounting for the shocking, yet annual, mid-April snow and sleet storm. While on a campus tour this morning, a pre-frosh was overheard stating “well, it can... MORE »
Ezra Cornell was actually a pretty twisted President. When he founded Cornell he also said that at the 147th (arbitrary number chosen similar practice done by the Mayans for their calendars) Commencement, rather than have the standard “all rise and all sit, congratulations you’ve graduated” at the ceremony, all 4 state colleges will have a... MORE »
What some people thought was an April Fools joke at Cornell University was actually reality! Oprah was at Cornell. But, how did nobody know about her arrival, her stay or her departure? If anyone could pull off a magic trick like this it is David Blaine. Yes, Cornellians that is right. Cornell Administrators paid David... MORE »
Go to time 2:10 MORE »
A new business study from the Dyson School at Cornell shows that undergraduates only eat frozen yogurt at two points: when they are drunk or when the sun has completely set. When the Daily Sun article came out, students were confused as to whether or not this article was meant to be written for the... MORE »
Yesterday, outside Olin Library, Lefties came together to protest against the abundance of righty desks and lack of lefty desks around Cornell’s Campus. With so many famous, successful, lefties, it is disturbing to these students that they are underrepresented. “We used to be persecuted against. There’s a long history of discrimination against our people. My... MORE »
Dear guy sitting behind me in Mann who keeps making sighing noises, I REFUSE to turn around and acknowledge you. I don’t care, I won’t turn around and look at you. Others might, but not me. Your sighs are getting louder and closer together like you’re having contractions. I WON’T look back. Eyes on my... MORE »
Oh and don’t worry it’s not Khloe…she and Lamar are like a rock. Sturdy and round. Some people have been trying to throw viewers off course by saying that Kim Kardashian is dating Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks. But we all know she is trying to steer clear of athletes and singers due... MORE »
Ithaca has gorges, wineries, Cornell, Applefest and Chilifest. That’s about it. There is nothing else going for this city so it is important to know how to make the best of what you have. 1. Never pay for chili: you might be asking….how can I enjoy such a glorious day without paying for any chili? ah... MORE »
1. A Photo Framed of Yourself: you know that you’re in a terrible relationship when you boyfriend gives you a framed picture of himself for Valentine’s Day. Yes, GQ rated us the doucheiest school in the country, but your boyfriend takes the cake. His graduation photo with the cap and gown…what are you his Aunt?... MORE »
Everyone at Cornell (except transfers…how come they get away with this?) has to take two gym classes and a swim test before they are able to graduate. For some reason it is important that we have both academic knowledge and have 6 credits worth of some physical activity knowledge. We are a well rounded university!... MORE »
Even though, in recent weeks, the weather in Ithaca has been unseasonably warm, because of lack of alcohol during pledging students have found themselves feeling like a foreigner….cold as ice (to any 80s music fans out there). “I used to wear a liquor jacket out ever night. Now I’m freezing outside because I can actually... MORE »
Ah yes, another “you know you go to Cornell when” photo. This is more than that though. This is a warning sign. If you see this car be cautious, the people on board are angry because they are most likely hungry. Additionally they are probably mad at you because you support hydrofracking even though you... MORE »
So you’re probably thinking, why don’t I know anything about sports? I am a guy and I want to join a frat. Not the typical stereotype now, am I? Yeah, breaking barriers! Anyway, I played sports when I was a kid. Standard, Little League and soccer where everyone runs around chasing the ball and there... MORE »
Dear Cornell, Thank you. Sincerely, Graduating seniors and recent alums Yes, we thank you for all the hard work you have put in, to make us want to leave your campus, and be okay with the fact that our jobs are so competitive and demanding that we are unable to make the trip to come... MORE »
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! YOOO FAT WHITE BIIIITCH!!! So like my bizniss manager sed it’d be a good meiffovve to write you a lettttter about shit I wnt in my... MORE »
I used to go to a real school. One where there were tailgates and acid dropping on a Monday at 6pm before Lab and a real Greek Week/Homecoming. Ah yes and one where the Jewish Council students broke it down real hard in the library during finals week. At Cornell we have Club Mann…..at UMD... MORE »