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Cornell Engineers Design New Ball Sac
Jon Stewart made a joke about how poorly designed the male testicles are. Referring to how man is made in God’s own image he said, “Why would he take all our nerve endings and place them in a little sac that dangles outside of our bodies easily exposed to…tap (makes nut tapping noise)?
Although intended as a joke, Cornell Engineers did not see just the humor of it. They saw an opportunity for innovation. A chance to make Cornell a shoe-in for the Tech Campus in NYC. Can you see the headline now? “Cornell Engineers Design New Ball Sac…suck on that Stanford!”
We met with some engineers in a location where they would feel comfortable; at the grassy knoll inside of Mann Library. (Yeah guys, remember when that was a thing? Too bad it didn’t catch on….imagine if inside everywhere on campus it looked like outside..NO because that would be stupid because it is inside!!!! Just like the arrangement of the ball sac. See, that rant has a purpose.)
When asked about the research and preliminary design engineers have for the new sac-o-balls they commented that, “Currently, we are figuring out whether we want to move the sac to a new location on the body or if we just want to revamp the whole thing. We want to make the lives of males easier, seeing as they struggle every day to avoid accidents”.
Once the group of engineers has perfected the male genitalia they are hoping to tackle the whole excruciatingly painful birth process and potentially that whole menstruation deal. Were not perfect, but science can make us that way….
Do you often feel overwhelmed because you are taking too many credits? Do you just go to other classes to just acquire more knowledge? No, I’m pretty sure you and I both don’t. That isn’t the case with junior Megan Kim of the engineering school, who was suspended from Cornell for attending too many classes... MORE »
You see this picture and think “I’d like to have sex there”. #1 on the list of 161 things to do before you graduate Cornell is sex in the stacks, and as a student I can’t say I’m anymore immune to this than the rest of you.. show me a dark creepy hallway that looks... MORE »
Yesterday, on an ordinary crisp autumn day, twelve Cornellian’s witnessed a miracle. That miracle being Cornell’s first football win in over seventy two consecutive years. In their premier homecoming game, Cornell’s team reigned victorious over Bucknell in a 24-13 win. Coach Kent Austin was both “ ecstatic” and “humbled” by the astonishing win. Unfortunately, with about 97 percent of... MORE »
In all of the bizarre news I have heard in my entire life, this one has to be the weirdest of them all. On Friday night, a Cornell student claims to have been hit by the Hot Truck on Stewart Avenue as it was driving. What is mysterious is that no one has ever... MORE »
Effective in the Fall 2011 semester, Cornell University will make the process of applying for financial aid “completely impossible,” according to the Office of the Registrar. “We’re pretty low on money,” announced the Office of the Registrar, “and the easiest way to solve that problem is”¦you guessed it, to make getting financial aid even... MORE »
In an effort to set a national precedent, Cornell University President David Skorton has vowed to put an end to fraternity pledging. In his Op Ed article published by the NY Times, Skorton outlined his plan to end hazing and replace the pledging period with a more positive initiation term. Cornell has been the site of... MORE »
In a move that’s come as a real shock to Cornell Students, The Tompkins County Department of Transportation has banned all freshmen from riding TCAT Buses, effective immediately. In a recent announcement, County Transportation Secretary Jay LaHood stated, “Its time for the disrespect to end. There have been lots of complaints by drivers of freshman... MORE »
After last Friday’s 85-degree weather, it appears that Cornell University has used all of its spring maintenance funding on keeping the Lake Effects snow out of the forecast, not accounting for the shocking, yet annual, mid-April snow and sleet storm. While on a campus tour this morning, a pre-frosh was overheard stating “well, it can... MORE »
Ezra Cornell was actually a pretty twisted President. When he founded Cornell he also said that at the 147th (arbitrary number chosen similar practice done by the Mayans for their calendars) Commencement, rather than have the standard “all rise and all sit, congratulations you’ve graduated” at the ceremony, all 4 state colleges will have a... MORE »
What some people thought was an April Fools joke at Cornell University was actually reality! Oprah was at Cornell. But, how did nobody know about her arrival, her stay or her departure? If anyone could pull off a magic trick like this it is David Blaine. Yes, Cornellians that is right. Cornell Administrators paid David... MORE »
Go to time 2:10 MORE »
A new business study from the Dyson School at Cornell shows that undergraduates only eat frozen yogurt at two points: when they are drunk or when the sun has completely set. When the Daily Sun article came out, students were confused as to whether or not this article was meant to be written for the... MORE »
Yesterday, outside Olin Library, Lefties came together to protest against the abundance of righty desks and lack of lefty desks around Cornell’s Campus. With so many famous, successful, lefties, it is disturbing to these students that they are underrepresented. “We used to be persecuted against. There’s a long history of discrimination against our people. My... MORE »
Dear guy sitting behind me in Mann who keeps making sighing noises, I REFUSE to turn around and acknowledge you. I don’t care, I won’t turn around and look at you. Others might, but not me. Your sighs are getting louder and closer together like you’re having contractions. I WON’T look back. Eyes on my... MORE »
Oh and don’t worry it’s not Khloe…she and Lamar are like a rock. Sturdy and round. Some people have been trying to throw viewers off course by saying that Kim Kardashian is dating Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks. But we all know she is trying to steer clear of athletes and singers due... MORE »
Ithaca has gorges, wineries, Cornell, Applefest and Chilifest. That’s about it. There is nothing else going for this city so it is important to know how to make the best of what you have. 1. Never pay for chili: you might be asking….how can I enjoy such a glorious day without paying for any chili? ah... MORE »
1. A Photo Framed of Yourself: you know that you’re in a terrible relationship when you boyfriend gives you a framed picture of himself for Valentine’s Day. Yes, GQ rated us the doucheiest school in the country, but your boyfriend takes the cake. His graduation photo with the cap and gown…what are you his Aunt?... MORE »
Everyone at Cornell (except transfers…how come they get away with this?) has to take two gym classes and a swim test before they are able to graduate. For some reason it is important that we have both academic knowledge and have 6 credits worth of some physical activity knowledge. We are a well rounded university!... MORE »
Even though, in recent weeks, the weather in Ithaca has been unseasonably warm, because of lack of alcohol during pledging students have found themselves feeling like a foreigner….cold as ice (to any 80s music fans out there). “I used to wear a liquor jacket out ever night. Now I’m freezing outside because I can actually... MORE »
Ah yes, another “you know you go to Cornell when” photo. This is more than that though. This is a warning sign. If you see this car be cautious, the people on board are angry because they are most likely hungry. Additionally they are probably mad at you because you support hydrofracking even though you... MORE »
So you’re probably thinking, why don’t I know anything about sports? I am a guy and I want to join a frat. Not the typical stereotype now, am I? Yeah, breaking barriers! Anyway, I played sports when I was a kid. Standard, Little League and soccer where everyone runs around chasing the ball and there... MORE »
Dear Cornell, Thank you. Sincerely, Graduating seniors and recent alums Yes, we thank you for all the hard work you have put in, to make us want to leave your campus, and be okay with the fact that our jobs are so competitive and demanding that we are unable to make the trip to come... MORE »
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! YOOO FAT WHITE BIIIITCH!!! So like my bizniss manager sed it’d be a good meiffovve to write you a lettttter about shit I wnt in my... MORE »
I used to go to a real school. One where there were tailgates and acid dropping on a Monday at 6pm before Lab and a real Greek Week/Homecoming. Ah yes and one where the Jewish Council students broke it down real hard in the library during finals week. At Cornell we have Club Mann…..at UMD... MORE »