A Cornell student was arrested yesterday evening after breaking into the Bronx zoo and trying to maim the eagles found in the zoo’s aviary. After watching the Philadelphia Eagles mount a 28 point comeback in the last 8 minutes of the game, including a punt-return for a touchdown as time expired, Walter Hand snapped and went out for vengeance against the Eagles.
Police report that Walter Hand was found yelling “Take off your costumes and come fight me, you little shits! Don’t stare at me like that from your pedestal!” and “Great comeback, birdbrain!” at the eagles sitting on their perches in the aviary.
For the record, the eagles probably just sat there and kept looking at him like this, so its easy to see why it would piss him off so much:
When asked why he tried to harm innocent birds, Walter had this to say: “I was really drunk.”
Travis Apgar declined to comment on this issue, so it is doubtful Cornell will take any action against the student. JA administrator Steven Morey had this to say about the loss: “Oh yeah, I heard the Giants lost a heartbreaker last night. Oh well, I don’t care much for football. Can I see your community service hours please?” – this part actually did happen because I had to turn in community service hours for an old JA today.
No eagles were actually harmed in this event because, well, eagles can fly and sit in really high places.
The US government is rumored to be planning on taking action against Walter Hand because the eagles he attempted to maim were in fact Bald Eagles, the national symbol. Former President Bill Clinton was reached for comment, saying “So that’s where the position spread-eagle comes from? I’ve gotta thank those birds for that one”. Also, he had this to say: “That boy better get a real legal eagle – get it?!?!?”