Well, it’s official. The world is ending.
After a two week hiatus from Four Loko, students everywhere have been on edge. Life just isn’t the same – people wake up and actually know where they are, with their dignities still intact. THIS IS UNHEARD OF. Long gone are the days of passing out outside of the Law school at 5 am with freshly-drawn penises all over your face. Cornell students no longer see the world through uva and cranberry lemonade flavored glasses….
Yet this recent lokopocalypse was only a small indicator of the events that wreaked havoc on the hill today. Let’s re-cap:
1. There is currently a blackout on parts of campus. HOLY SHIT. What do we do? No lights? No problem. Quick, now you can gorge yourself with Bear samplers at Nasties without having to face that angry midget! After you’re done with that, you can grab the ugliest person you see without shame and go get jiggy in the stacks! Kill two birds with one stone! You will be risking having the lights turn on in the middle of your little freakfest and potentially losing all the friends who thought you had standards, but who cares! The world IS ending, so you might as well cross off one other thing on your 161 things to do list to balance out other lame ass things you’ve achieved such as a “Ace a prelim” and “Cornell card a shabbat dinner” (no offense to the Jews because you know I love me some matzoh ball soup). Dude, your mother paid for your day of rest observance meal through your bursar account? You are a BAMF.
This blackout also means one other thing – no internet. No one can access Blackboard. DAMNIT! How the hell am I supposed to get a head start on reading my syllabus for the class I’m taking a final in next week? Worst of all, no FACEBOOK. This means I can’t see you update your status to your favorite Fall Out Boy lyrics or change your default photo to a picture of your face attached to a Victoria’s Secret model body that you will never have, so I guess this is a good thing. See? We CAN live without social media! Take that, grandma! Instead, I’m gonna go read “Jane Eyre” for the 43rd time while practicing my Daughters of the Revolution devotional. If this isn’t a sure sign that the world is ending I’m not sure what is.
2. Second sign of armegeddon: it was 60 degrees this morning, then it turned into a hurricane, and all of a sudden it was looking as white as the inside of Lindsay Lohan’s nasal cavity (credit: D.Baicker). What the hell were we supposed to do? Cornellians everywhere emerged from their humble abodes dressed for spring, then pulled out umbrellas which were immediately turned inside out by 100 MPH winds and otherwise proved to be worthless. Two hours later, the weather had transformed into a winter wonderland of sorts, only a lot less wonderful since it was pretty much sleet. Sleet, skeet, slush, whatever you want to call it it was coming down hard from up there and the only thing running across everyone’s minds were “I can’t wait to waste $18 on a plastic jungle animal to put on my windowsill that just so happens to come with a large quantity of fruit punch and vodka.” Money is no longer an issue. Whatever I’ve saved up, I WANT to spend it on the first thing I see, even its the old Green Cafe space that mysteriously has not been rented out for about a year now. If we are as doomed as I think we are, then now would probably be a good time to fulfill my dreams of stuffing a giant inflatable bouncy castle filled with whippits and puppies inside a store that is conveniently located across the street from CTP.
3. Final sign of impending doom: students are campaigning for an umbrella borrowing program. Pretty soon Cornellians everywhere will be entirely dependent on the borrowing program and become vicious as Ithaca enters into its annual 8 month monsoon season. You thought forcible touching was bad? Wait till forcible umbrella snatching. While you may be thinking, “you is a dumbass girlfraaaand,” – and yes, you are entitled to your freedom of speech – but the last thing I want is to be walking home through what happens to be a dark alley of Collegetown at an uncomfortably far distance from any other pedestrians and then be poked in the ass by a borrowed umbrella. This will bring the crime alerts to a whole new level that I – as well as the rest of the Cornell community – am not ready to accept. Poke me with your own damn umbrella. Take me out to a nice candelit dinner in your car at the Taco Bell drive thru. Whisper sweet nothings into my ear about the newest CollegeACB threads. But under no circumstances should you be using borrowed umbrellas to forcibly touch/poke me or anyone. If this issue reaches the magnitude I predict it will, the end is near and THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So, ladies and gentlemen, we are screwed. Nightly readings from the Oxford Dictionary by candlelight on the Arts Quad will ensue as the primary source of fun and entertainment for all until mother nature takes her course and Ithaca gets sucked up into a black hole within the Earth that consists of only University-owned umbrellas. Those of you who survive, tell my mother that I love her, and tell my dog that I forgive him for eating my thongs straight out of my suitcase over Fall break. It was nice knowing you.