Even though, in recent weeks, the weather in Ithaca has been unseasonably warm, because of lack of alcohol during pledging students have found themselves feeling like a foreigner….cold as ice (to any 80s music fans out there).
“I used to wear a liquor jacket out ever night. Now I’m freezing outside because I can actually feel my limbs…NOT COOL!” Explained freshman Tom Ringfinger.
The Cornell Daily Sun reported that 33% of undergrads suffered memory loss from drinking and 10% have injured themselves physically while under the Influence.
Based on the research here at Cornell Basment we’ve found at 67% remember everything from the night and 90% remain unharmed by the environment around them. But 100% of students were “cold as balls” while they stood outside on the line to try and get into Pixel from 12:30am until 1am.
After the University implemented new rules about drinking at fraternities they hoped to decrease alcohol consumption. Cornell police stated that, “the new policies did not fully achieve their aim”…but they hope that the development of a late-night dance club on North Campus will help.
“It won’t,” said freshman Nowun Kares, “that’s just a waste of Cornell’s money, I’d rather they spend it on a new marching band building….(indiscriminate mumbles)…oh they already have that”.
They need to find a solution because students are getting sick and losing limbs to hypothermia. It’s getting more dangerous with students trying to find a solution to “experimenting socially for the first time” safely and without alcohol. That’s just an insult to the Cornell freshman population chief of Cornell’s police department.
Here at Cornell Basement we have come up with a new motto for the University: We have no open parties, no bars and no wet mixers. We are no longer a college. We are Dartmouth.