DON’T: Dance your pants off….literally. You make be saying, come one Cornell Basment writer, that’s just an expression. But I stop you right there naive reader. I have been to my share of formals and experienced many a pants off. Men and women alike. Well, she can’t really take her pants off unless she’s wearing a pants suit to formal and then, well, that’s fine. My male followers, please don’t take your pants off before you get back to the boudoir. And to the ladies. Oh ladies. Keep your legs closed woman! I don’t wanna see you getting a lap dance from your date and I definitely don’t wanna see your pink thong with a box on it (a speak from obvious experience).
DON’T: Drink if you didn’t get in as over 21 because you will get caught and you will ruin my I mean everyone’s formal. If you are not lucky enough to be a member of the elite club of being 21 and you don’t have a good fake idea, formal is not the time to try and sneak drinks or rub the giant X off your hands. It’s like the Scarlet Letter – they know who you are, you can’t fool anyone. This is the point of the formal pregame. It’s why guys make you start getting ready at 4pm….so you can start drinking at 5pm before you eat anything and are super fucked up for the beginning awkward part of formal and then sober up by 10pm and can go to bed and wake up the next morning to write that final paper or start studying for orgo in 2 weeks. So, either spend some money on a good ID, get a nicer big who will give you their ID, or pay the price and not drink. Pick your poison.
DON’T: EAT MY FREE FOOD AT FORMAL! As much as you think this is a free-for-all and all the food seems free, but this is why we pay dues. When you stick your dirty hand on my plate you are asking for me to punch you in the face. All I’ve eaten today is a bowl of golden grahams with a fork.I am drunk and I am hungry. Don’t mess with me.
DON’T: Get more than that! If I see you bending over with your hand in the air and your date air humping you from behind and it is not a joke…you are everyone’s least favorite person at formal. There is nothing pretty about having sex on the dance floor. Also if you’re eating your dates face off and grabbing each others asses it’s time to either cut you off from the bar tab, or send you in cab because clearly it’s been a while since you’ve gotten any and you both need to rub one out in the PRIVACY of your own room (or someone else’s as long as it ain’t mine). The last thing the DJ wants is to see a skirt/dress get lifted up while he is trying to make sweet beats and “get recognized” so he can open at Pacha next year.*
DON’T: Ruin it for anyone else. We all look forward to formal season. We work hard here at Cornell. Don’t fucks with our good times, because for some of us, cough seniors cough, this may be our last formal and we want it to be a drunk, awesome, mess too and it can’t be if you get us kicked out.