Ah, yet another story about the positive effects
of alcohol. With an on-campus bar set to open in the Ivy Room this spring, the Cornell Pub Committee wants to pick business hours that will be most beneficial to


A sample of undergraduate ILRies were tested to
see if consuming alcohol before class provides any advantage to students. The
results came as a shock not only to faculty but students as well.


“There is no doubt a campus bar should be open
during the day. That was the best 50 minutes I’ve ever spent in Ives!”
exclaimed Joseph, age 21. “I wish I discovered pre-schooling as a Freshman!”


Joseph proceeded to dry-heave in the Catherwood
Library lobby, which sounded a lot like Bill Cosby laughing.


Administrators hope this phenomenon of
“pre-schooling” catches on. The controversial ILR study revealed that
chemically inconvenienced students found interest in topics that were known to
otherwise “cause waves of narcolepsy across lecture halls.”


When asked about her lecture on Wednesday morning, an ILR
professor said: “I observed higher participation and enthusiasm among the
students in my class. They were the most engaged they had been all semester.”
When asked what the reason for that was, she said: “I don’t know! I think they
just really took a liking to the effects of employer strategies on the lives of
late-19th century industrial workers.”


Given that there is a 0% chance that’s true,
it’s safe to say the students’ performance can be attributed to God’s fine gift
to man we like to call beer.


Every participant in the study said the pub should be open for drinks 24/7. The study was originally to be conducted on
engineers, but experimenters decided it be best to test subjects who
would actually use the bar.