Last Thursday, Cornell released its decisions for its regular admission applicants. The 6,123 students were drawn from an applicant pool of 37,812. According to a person who owns a calculator, this means that the 2012 Cornell Acceptance Rate for 2012 is about 16.2 percent.


You might be thinking that’s really selective. But, how selective is it? Let’s put things into perspective:

In the last 10 years, the highest the acceptance rate has risen to was about 31% (2003).  For all you ILR’ies reading this article, this means that this year’s acceptance rate is nearly half of what it was in 2003.


This dramatic decrease in the acceptance rate was gradual though. In fact, since 2003, the acceptance rate has been going down at an average of 1.64% per year.


Despite the overwhelmingly positive reception to this news, I assure you that Cornell should not be celebrating. This is a slippery slope. If you have ever been skiing, then you might have experience with going too fast down a hill, and then crashing into a tree because some random little girl decided to obnoxiously take up the whole trail. In other words, according to the Law of Inertia, we have slipped too far down this descending statistical slope to stop and we are inevitably going to crash.


According to arithmetic, the acceptance rate will keep dropping and by the year 2021, the acceptance rate will reach 0%. You heard me right. By the year 2021, a Cornell applicant will have a 0% chance of getting in.


Now, you might be wondering, how small of a chance is 0% and is it that a risk worth taking?


To compare, the chance of winning the current Mega-Million Lottery Jackpot is about 1 in 176 million. In other words, you have about a 0.000000057% chance of winning. That means, it was over 28 Million times more likely for an applicant to be accepted for the Fall of 2012 at Cornell University than it is for one person’s ticket to win the Jackpot.


Well, in the year 2021, you will have an undefinably higher chance of winning the Jackpot than being accepted into Cornell. And if you’re not getting this lame math humor: You will have NO chance.


Another staggering statistic is the rate of which new buildings are being constructed on campus. At an average of 3 new buildings each year, some people are finally beginning to worry.


According to construction worker, Randy Dime, many of Cornell’s construction workers are also becoming confused.


“You know, I don’t get it. They keep telling us to build more and more buildings. But have they seen their acceptance rates lately. I tell you, pretty soon, each student will have his own building to live in,” remarked Dime.


President Skorton quelled the growing anxiety, though, in a press release. “I must emphasize that having lower acceptance rates are nothing to be afraid of. There is no better way to reflect prestige than exclusivity. And there is no better number for exclusivity than 0%. We just hope that our future student body, or lack there of, can understand that.”