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Report: New York Jets Fans Hope Super Bowl XLVI Goes Something Like 1:18-1:30 of This Video
A group of disgruntled Jets fans can also be seen storming the field at 1:04-1:08.
BREAKING NEWS: Cornell Working to Hire Victor Cruz as Salsa 101 Instructor
Everyone at Cornell (except transfers…how come they get away with this?) has to take two gym classes and a swim test before they are able to graduate. For some reason it is important that we have both academic knowledge and have 6 credits worth of some physical activity knowledge. We are a well rounded university!... MORE »
Giants v. Patriots: Keys to the Game
Giants -I hear Peyton Manning’s recovered. Get him to play quarterback. Eli’s jersey doesn’t specify which Manning needs to play. -Remind Ahmad Bradshaw that even though he plays for the Giants, the other team will be the same size. -Try the Fumblerooski. This will pay out tremendously. For me. I made a certain, little bet... MORE »
The Giants v. The 49ers: From a Guy Who Doesn’t Know About Sports
So you’re probably thinking, why don’t I know anything about sports? I am a guy and I want to join a frat. Not the typical stereotype now, am I? Yeah, breaking barriers! Anyway, I played sports when I was a kid. Standard, Little League and soccer where everyone runs around chasing the ball and there... MORE »
Cornell Economists Determine Jesus Christ’s Patronage of Tim Tebow to be “Inefficient†and “Not conducive to solving legitimate world problems.”
Ithaca NY””Economists working in Cornell’s Policy Analysis Lab have recently discovered several flaws in Jesus Christ’s social policies. The economists, studying everything from theological infrastructures to econometrics, published a journal article last Monday noting discrepancies between Jesus Christ’s “plans for all creatures on earth” and football. The team learned that Jesus invested too much of... MORE »
Who You Gonna Call? BILL MURRAY!
Over Fall Break Cornell is a ghost town. The only people on campus are athletes and townies. The Cornell Big Red Marching Band desperate for some attention called on the only man they knew would answer their call….Bill Murray? Apparently Billy Murray is still there to answer the Ghostbusters’ hot line. Check out the SNL... MORE »
Wagner football looking a lot like Cornell football
I bet I’m not the only one surprised it wasn’t a Cornell kid running backwards MORE »
Giants Fan Wreaks Havoc In Aviary Exhibit
A Cornell student was arrested yesterday evening after breaking into the Bronx zoo and trying to maim the eagles found in the zoo’s aviary. After watching the Philadelphia Eagles mount a 28 point comeback in the last 8 minutes of the game, including a punt-return for a touchdown as time expired, Walter Hand snapped and... MORE »
Cornell Football Sucks
Last year I went to one Cornell home football game. It was homecoming so I don’t remember much, but what I do remember was that the cheerleaders were far more entertaining. I left the game after what I would say was probably five or ten minutes right about the time when the opposing team, Fordham... MORE »
In Epic Showdown in NYC, Big Red Bear tears down Stanford Tree
UPDATE: After a short and brief skirmish this past weekend, Cornell has taken out the rest of its competitors and won the fight. NEW YORK, NY ““ Millions of New Yorkers watched in awe this past Friday as the Big Red Bear tore down the Stanford Tree in an epic battle raging on Roosevelt Island.... MORE »
Skorton Credits First Born’s Blood Sacrifice for Warm Weather
ITHACA, NY-When Cornell University President David Skorton announced last month that he was going to sacrifice his first born child in an effort to snatch the NYC tech bid, Cornellian’s were quite skeptical. It seems as though Skorton has proved countless students wrong in not only earning the tech bid, but also in ensuring pleasurable weather for... MORE »
Cornell University Invaded by Extraterrestrial Lifeforms From Planet Q580 in Quadrant X
With all the rumors of Vinny Guadagnino coming to Cornell being untrue, thousands of Ivy League students were shocked and astounded to find that a satirical news website would provide them with inaccurate information. Lucky for you, Earthlings, a REAL extraordinary sensation has crash-landed in Beebe Lake at approximately 3:28 AM. Broadcasted on every major... MORE »
Dobby the House Elf Will Hold Town-Hall Forum at Lynah Rink
Dobby the House Elf, the magical creature from the Harry Potter franchise whose cuteness and silly way of talking has drawn the adoration of college student nationwide, will speak at Cornell’s Lynah Rink on April 19, according to Cornell House-Elf Liberation Front Chair Seamus Shacklebolt, ’13. Dobby is planning to attend rallies on 30 college... MORE »
Amanda Bynes Arrested for DUI
According to Cornell Law Professor Gold, at the close of the trial the dancing lobsters were brought in. MORE »
Report: Small Group of Ugandan Activists Begin Online Campaign to Stop Terrible Man Halfway Around the World
Starting in 2012, 4/20 will no longer just be about getting high or remembering Columbine… it will also be about this guy. MORE »
Local Student Refuses to Vote for Anyone Who Doesn’t Dress Like an Elf
ITHACA, NY ““ Carl Burkenson ’15, of Cornell University, has reportedly absolutely refused to vote for anyone in the coming SA elections who does not dress like an elf and sing songs. “You heard me correctly,” says Carl. “Don’t bother adding me to your god damn Facebook group. Unless of course, you wear an elf... MORE »
Sober Sophomore Wanders into Nasties ““ Unsure What to Do
Local Sophomore Brian Ritzoff was in a bit of a bind last Friday afternoon when he found himself to be both sober and at Nasties ““ simultaneously. “So, like, what should I even order?” asked Brian. “Chicken nuggets? Would those even taste good right now?” As Brian stood there paralyzed by indecision, a Townhouse kid... MORE »
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