With these recent rains that have been afflicting not only Cornell’s Campus, but all of Ithaca in general has been facing the grim reality that this may not be just the usually shithacating everyone is accustomed to. (‘I hope those ithacans get wiped out’, one Cornellian said. ‘Let’s be honest, all Ithaca offers is shitty food and a few head shops, and I can smoke out of a keystone can and make my own poorly cooked steak, so they can fuck themselves’). As a result, many of Cornell’s religious groups have taken action to get ahead of this tragedy.
One such group, the Cornell Christian Fellowship, has come up with a plan to circumvent the flooding. “Are you fucking kidding me with that question”, the head of the Fellowship Artus Benovante asked. “We’re building a goddamn ark. Oh shit I took the lords name in vain – looks like I won’t be on it”
Editors note: there was a much hotter guy (no homo intended..sorta) waiting to board said ark, and said ark looked pretty good to be honest. No HOMO
“The ark will be great”, said a girl coincidentally named Joan. “Also, yes, the only reason I can go on the ark is because my name is Joan. And no, you cannot come on with me (sorry, I really asked that question).
The effort to procure all of the animals required is actually going surprisingly well for said ark-lovers. “We raided all of the Cornell facilities to acquire our animals, so we’re doing well”, said head animal-procurere Sean. “All we need is every animal from the african savannah, asian plains, european continent, both arctics, and most of the Americas. Oh shit…”
Meanwhile, the president of the Mayan club Jon and co. are grinning their asses off, telling everyone they told us so. “We have had a bunch of so called ‘scares’ that our dates were wrong in the past, but this is definitely the correct date. Even though the rains will end on Saturday, there is no doubt in my mind that the earth will be flooded by then.” Little does this douchebag know, it is supposed to be sunny enough to tan my weiner by that day “I know 2012 is supposed to be my year, but we’ve been wrong before, and today seems more right than ever before”.
The Sunni’s are even more moved into arms as of the rains, pretty much because of everything that has been happening. “Let’s be honest, we have a lot of rules” president of the sunni club Ibn Majah said. “If you still don’t follow our 70 laws, you’ll get my fist in your ass. HAHA gay behaviour isn’t allowed…but seriously.”
So here’s to hoping that the rains end in not wiping out all of Ithaca