NORTH CAMPUS – In what he calls a “friendly reminder to
freshmen that we’re watching their every move,” Cornell University President
David Skorton has instituted a new policy that requires every ID scanner used
at frat parties to bear an “Obey” sticker from George Orwell’s classic novel, 1984.

 

“You see, every time you put your ID through that scanner,
your information not only pops up on the screen, but a time and location stamp
also get sent to us,” says Skorton. “So pretty much, we know where you are and
we’re watching you.”

 

According to associate dean of students for fraternity and
sorority affairs, Travis Apgar, the information on swipe stamps are made
accessible to a “limited” few and stored in a “secure” server with “no” plans
to share further.

 

Cornell Freshmen had mixed reactions to the stickers.

 

“To be honest, I find the whole idea of ID scanners just a
little creepy,” says freshmen Sara Weishoff. “But I did like [Orwell's] novel, 1984.
It was really good. I like how it took place in Europe.”

“I mean it doesn’t really make any difference to me,” says freshmen Kent
Gonzalez. “I always just sneak into parties through a side door anyway, like
all of the other freshmen.”

 

Though some may find the policy just a little bit extreme,
Skorton implores that his goal of an alcohol-free freshmen class justifies the
measures being taken.

 

“The very thought of going into a frat is in and of itself wrong,
and we must purge the freshmen of this type of unhealthy thinking,” says
Skorton. “We believe the stickers can help us to reach this goal.”

 

In other news, Skorton is apparently working on creating a
new language called “Freshmenspeak”, which all incoming freshmen will be
required to learn and speak during their first year at Cornell. Reportedly, the
words “alcohol”, “party”, and “fun” do not exist in this language.