I don’t know if you know this, but Columbia has athletics.

Just kidding – of all the student groups here, the athletes are the ones that could most likely beat me up. So I shouldn’t be mean. Until all the a capella groups form a huge, brass-knuckled alliance, I am going to report on sports in a calculated move to secure a position among their ranks. When the acappellapocalypse happens, I’m siding with the group that can sing its own soundtrack.

So what sport should we focus on in the inaugural report? Basketball, the exciting game of back and forth that was invented by a bored college professor? (TAKE NOTE, ART AND MUSIC HUM TEACHERS). Soccer, the game of Europeans and South America that Americans try to like? Football, because I’ve played Madden on N64 so I know what a “hail mary” is?

It turns out the only sport that reeled me in – which wasn’t fishing, regardless of the pun – was wrestling! Two basically naked dudes all sweaty, grinding on each other? That sounds like what I see most of my weekend when i go out in Chelsea!

There is a school called Franklin & Marshall, and we pinned down more sweaty, half-naked men than they did! The official score was 32-12. Jake O’Hara won by a technical fall. He can tell me more about this over coffee, after which I can technically fall on his… nevermind. Robert Dyar and Kevin Lester recorded pins! What does it all mean? Who are these athletic students with names from the 1950s? Do they ever practice in the nude? Can we watch?

Find out all this, and more – in the next installment of “Now we write about sports!”

(Disclaimer: legally I can only tell you more about a different sport, because most of the questions I just asked about wrestling were entirely hypothetical)