10 Ridiculously Impractical Ways to Stay Warm This Winter (Columbia)

2. (For females) Go through menopause early. Use hot flashes to your advantage.

3. Become obese. Every step is a sweaty workout. (Bonus: excuse for gorging self on Aunt Milly’s cookies!)

4. Disembowel a huge, NYC subway rat. Crawl into its carcass. If that doesn’t warm you, the continuous retching and vomiting from reading #4 should provide some heat.

5. Purchase can of baked beans and sleeping bag. Consume former and climb into latter. Use resulting gas as a modern “space heater” of sorts, farting your way to warmth.

6. Tar and feather yourself. If it doesn’t keep you warm, it will at least make me laugh (which is really all that matters).

7. Purchase a Costco-sized prescription of Rogaine. Use obscenely large amount of hair-growth product to create a thick and magnificent coat of fur. (Bonus: Sneak on to Twilight set, claim to be a werewolf! Kill everyone, if so inclined!)

8. Now for a way that’s fun, and entertaining! Buy a boombox. Buy or illegally download this. Dance your heart out – everywhere. The moves are easy enough, and warming enough, and will fill every heart around you with the joy that only a popular Bar Mitzvah song can bring.

9. Bribe or blackmail a SEAS student into constructing a device which magnetically shifts the tilting of the Earth’s axis by one degree. Use this shift as  way to revolutionize the climates on our planet, warming the North East while freezing another part of Earth. Or, just bribe or blackmail a SEAS student into constantly rubbing your body with his/her/it’s hands. The friction will remind the SEAS student of physics, exciting them, and keeping you warm in the process.

10. And finally, the best way to keep warm during winter months: DOIN’ IT. Have sex. But not just in your room. Invite college coed Sally or frat brother Henry to boink you everywhere you go. Constant body heat = constant warmth and comfort!