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Bike Traffic Safety: Written For and By (Insane) Bikers
Without laws our society would crumble like so many cookies. Our campus bike traffic is abnormally apocalyptic and Highlander-y, so we here at Campus Basement want to say: good job! That’s how you do it ““ mow down pedestrians/each other, take no prisoners but take the heads for trophies. For those who need help remembering... MORE »
A Brief History of St. Valentine: Patron saint of ruining new couples
The 3rd century Roman was martyred for forcing people who were dating to decide too early whether they wanted to commit to an expensive night of manufactured romance. He was slowly burned to death by a crowd of bitter singles and angry casual daters. FUN FACT: Stupid presents are a vestigial relationship tradition, invented when... MORE »
A Bartender’s Guide to College Parties
Just because you’re working exclusively with lowest-shelf alcohol and off-brand sodas, your fellow bartenders are quickly getting drunk, and you’re behind the dining table your roommates dragged outside doesn’t mean you’re anything less than a mixologist. You’re a crafter of dreams, a nurser of egos. You feed good times to the sober and liquid courage... MORE »
Survey says 96% of women’s friends “could do so much betterâ€
When polled randomly about their heterosexual lady-friends’ objects of affection, 96% of female students claimed a decisive “she could do so much better than him!” Follow up quotes from those surveyed were illuminating about the reasons why: “I tell her she could do so much better every day,” one freshman says sadly. “In a world... MORE »
Week In Review: Another day, another News
Your second-best source for the past week’s Daily Trojan headlines New health center should mean more comprehensive care, more resources : AND BARRELS UPON BARRELS OF CONDOMS FOR ALL Norris to screen film on religion : Me to stay home and watch Archer $30 million donated to build new hall : It’s great the Dauterives... MORE »
Juniors’ roommate declared a national “disaster area”
The federal government declared a Communications major west of campus an official disaster area on Thursday, following weeks of destructive behavior and dangerous top speeds of around six shots/hour. In typical fashion, FEMA was slow to respond and residents in her vicinity suffered for it. After two freshman fraternity pledges were evacuated from the area,... MORE »
Thoughts on Thursday’s Game (By Someone Who Doesn’t Get Sports)
If this is a basketball, I’m not messing this up yet. We got there 45 minutes early to be one of the first 1000, to get a free bag. Bags weren’t for students. Whatever this “Trojan Fever” is, it must be the reason everyone’s at home. But tickets are free! And shirts are five bucks! With sunglasses! Hell yes!... MORE »
Week in Review: I Want Newsual Healing
Your second-best source for the past week’s Daily Trojan headlines USC Quidditch team will face UCLA on January 29 : A longstanding rivalry that holds a certain magic for some. And an amount of politely hiding embarrassment for their families Daylong Bike Summit included new draft of bike safety recommendations : Suggestions about noticing stop... MORE »
LOCAL NONSTUDENT COLUMN: Why Can’t It Be Quiet at 11PM on Saturdays?
Hello! I live two blocks off campus, I’m not a student and I call the LAPD about your noise more often than I talk to any actual people. You may be thinking, “Aw, man! What gives?” and I’d like the chance to explain! It may not be clear why I need weeknight quiet to my... MORE »