Kevin Slack

March 27, 2012

After Twitter Backlash, UU Begs Nickelback to Reconsider

Syracuse University students were disappointed Monday night when University Union announced that the Block Party lineup for 2012 would be Kaskade and Cold War Kids — A DJ and an indie rock band, respectively. Students were so disappointed in fact, they told the nation. And then the world. Within an hour, the hashtag #ThingsIdRatherDoThanGoToBlockParty was... MORE »

March 17, 2012

Sources: SU Basketball Also Kidnapped the Lindbergh Baby

And the hits just keep on coming. Sources within the Syracuse Athletic Department have told CampusBasement that in addition to sexually abusing children, sleeping with coaches’ wives, and blatantly ignoring internal drug testing policy, employees of and players on the SU basketball team may have also kidnapped and murdered Charles Lindbergh’s infant son in 1932.... MORE »

February 28, 2012

Newhouse Announces “Sitting In Food.com Looking Pretentious” Major

Newhouse spokesman Carl Waiters announced Tuesday a massive curriculum overhaul, which included a new major at Syracuse’s flagship institution.  “The Newhouse School is constantly trying to evolve and adapt to fit the ever-changing landscape of the communications industry,” Waiters said in a statement to the press, “To that end, we will be incorporating a new... MORE »

February 14, 2012

Ugly Girl Keeps Talking About Hatred of Valentine’s Day; Is Ignored

Junior anthropology major Beatrice Florsheim (a 4.5 at best) announced Tuesday to anyone within earshot of her loud, insufferable, howler-monkey-esque voice that she hates Valentine’s Day. “I prefer to call it ‘Singles Awareness Day,” she told reporters who were too busy paying attention to attractive people, before she burst into a hearty guffaw. Experts say... MORE »

January 31, 2012

TRANSCRIPT: Uncomfortable SU Basketball Locker Room Conversation

(Editor’s Note: CampusBasement was able to obtain an audio recording of chatter between Syracuse basketball players in the locker room this morning, after a shocking affidavit was released by the New York Daily News regarding the Bernie Fine/Jim Boeheim civil case. In the document, plaintiff Bobby Davis alleges that Bernie Fine’s wife, Laurie, has had... MORE »

January 17, 2012

Douchey, Fascist Professor Actually Lectures on First Day Of Classes

Emergency Aid stations dotted the quad at Syracuse University on Tuesday afternoon as the administration scrambled to treat students suffering from extreme fatigue and unknown illnesses due to a professor actually lecturing on the first day of classes. Many students collapsed upon exiting Arthur Mulrooney’s HST 154: History of Modern Europe class, after having to... MORE »

December 1, 2011

SU Reveals 2005 Fine Investigation Conducted by Team of House Cats

Syracuse University spokesman Dustin Grant announced details of the school’s inquiry into accusations of child sex abuse by SU assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine. Grant revealed that the investigation in 2005 was conducted by a crack squad of 7 domesticated house cats.     “The administration felt that this was the best group to conduct a... MORE »

November 16, 2011

South Campus Bus Directly Behind Other South Campus Bus Contemplates Sheer Pointlessness of Existence

Centro Bus #6793 on Route 344 South Campus suddenly slammed on its brakes late Tuesday night, causing bumper to bumper gridlock as the bus worked through what appeared to be a mid-life crisis.  “I’ve been following this other bus, 6798, since five o’clock this afternoon. I’ve been right behind him every day at that time,... MORE »

March 23, 2011

Newhouse Renames Courses Again Using Klingon, Heiroglyphs, Random Nouns

In an effort to pretend that Newhouse is keeping up with the rapidly changing media landscape, the former communications school giant announced the third overhaul of its curriculum in the past three years. The changes, announced in a press conference held Tuesday, were described by spokesman Ron Harris as “really we’re just giving all our... MORE »