Jonfen

April 24, 2012

Denice Cassaro Drunk Emails Freshmen; Students Actually Read Them

Early Sunday morning, Denice Cassaro sent a slew of inflammatory and stream-of-consciousness emails to the Cornell Community.  In these messages, she insulted various student groups, boasted about her sexual conquests, and reflected upon her purpose in life, all in her trademark colorful writing style. Her first e-mail, sent at 2:33am, read as follows: *******Mah-Jong and... MORE »

March 17, 2012

Promiscuous Daily Sun Photographer Catalogues 161 O-Faces of Cornell

In a special feature of Monday’s Daily Sun, libidinous Sun photographer Stephanie Adams ’13 unveiled a year-long project in which she captured the euphoric faces of 161 Cornell men and women mid-orgasm, and then edited the photos into black and white. The 4-page long spread encapsulates the diversity of the Cornell study body, through its... MORE »

February 27, 2012

Frat Star Denied Entry Into “Bro-Zone;” Remains in “Friend Zone”

On Friday afternoon, a love struck frat social chair Connor Stokley ’14 confronted dreamy fraternity brother Steve Sanchez ’14 and asked if he would like to bro out with him on Saturday night. “I know this cute, little bar by the Commons that we can go to,” said the oblivious Stokley. “They’ve got the hottest,... MORE »

February 16, 2012

Cornell Pledges are Sexy And They Know It

AEPi pledges serenade sororities with a junk-jiggling rendition of LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It.” (at 2:09) MORE »

February 12, 2012

“I Got Sooo Drunk Last Night,” Report Nation’s Future Leaders

On Sunday morning, numerous first-hand accounts revealed that a substantial percentage of America’s soon-to-be luminaries were severely intoxicated and self-incapacitated on the preceding evening. “Man, I was fucked up last night,” said future New York State Senator David Adelsberg ’12, “This hangover is killing me!” “My futon is covered in puke,” added the future Congressman.... MORE »

February 2, 2012

Giants v. Patriots: Keys to the Game

Giants -I hear Peyton Manning’s recovered. Get him to play quarterback. Eli’s jersey doesn’t specify which Manning needs to play. -Remind Ahmad Bradshaw that even though he plays for the Giants, the other team will be the same size. -Try the Fumblerooski. This will pay out tremendously. For me. I made a certain, little bet... MORE »

January 24, 2012

With New IFC Regulations, Rush Week Drinking Shifts to Sororities

In a slightly surprising turn of events, numerous sororities on campus were reported to have served hard alcohol and drugs at their rush week recruitment events. While fraternities were busy with their Dry Rush Week, or “3 Day Rush-apallooza” as the IFC now requires it be called, sororities and their PNM’s raged on into the... MORE »

December 19, 2011

4.0 GPA Totally Compensates for Sex-less Semester, Rationalizes Freshman

Upon checking his course grades on student center, freshman Phineas Plottman expressed tempered joy and mild exuberance over the fact that his semester spent not fornicating with members of the opposite sex, culminated in a 4.0 GPA. “Oh my gosh, this feeling is so amazing,” said Plottman meekly, “definitely more satisfying than repeatedly thrusting my... MORE »

December 16, 2011

Mann Library Sees Increased Attendance Through Rental of Sex Rooms

In attempt to attract more students to the library and to reduce student stress during finals week, Mann library converted all of its rarely-used study rooms into sex rooms. This initiative was sponsored by  Cornell CARES, and proved to be a major hit over the course of study week. “Hardly anybody would ever rent out... MORE »