drewthegoose

"Is it appropriate to quote myself?" -Drew Gieseke ---Proud FIJI
November 30, 2012

Chubby Student Insists That There Really is a “Mizzou 72”

A University of Missouri student was hospitalized Wednesday after being arrested for allegedly libeling Mizzou Dining. Tanner Bearington, a freshman at MU, was playing Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 in his dorm room when a S.W.A.T. team broke in. The team was working with the Columbia Police Department in a coagulated (syrupy) effort to... MORE »

November 7, 2012

Obama Admits to Being Muslim Antichrist, Sets End of World Date

President Obama announced Wednesday that he really is the Antichrist and also happens to be a socialist Islamic terrorist, and set a date for the end of the world. Just after being reelected Tuesday night, the president addressed his hometown of Chicago, Ill., where he revealed his not-so-shocking secret. “It is true, my fellow Americans,... MORE »

November 6, 2012

Local Satirist Too Busy to Write New Article

A satire writer at the University of Missouri announced Monday that he was “too busy” to write a new article. Anthony Dingleberry, a junior at MU, is the head editor and head writer for University Attic, a student-run satire blog. Dingleberry admitted in a press conference that his class and workload were too strenuous to... MORE »

October 23, 2012

Freshman Dies in Homecoming Pomping Accident

A University of Missouri freshman died Monday after excessive tissue paper pomping. Robby Slawson, the victim in the accident, was pronounced dead by paramedics at 2 a.m. on Monday. Initial reports indicate that Slawson died from a combination of dehydration, exhaustion, asphyxiation and severe flatulence. “It was a big mess…just, really really nasty,” fraternity brother... MORE »

October 17, 2012

Student Donates Blood to Save Money on Alcohol

A student at the University of Missouri donated blood Monday to save money on his alcoholic expenditures. Albert Coholic, a sophomore business major, gave blood at Mizzou’s annual homecoming blood drive. Coholic said that he has been waiting all year to make his donation. “I care a lot about the welfare of others and shit,”... MORE »

October 11, 2012

Student’s Case of Mudbutt Reaches Critical Mass During Midterm Exam

A student at the University of Missouri experienced the worst-recorded instance of mudbutt in history during his first midterm examination. Dalton Croggs, a sophomore at Mizzou, reported the incident Thursday after his exam ended at 3:50 p.m. Doctors at the Student Health Center treated Croggs and noticed that his underwear had suffered severe damage. Mudbutt,... MORE »

September 28, 2012

ESPN’s Mel Kiper Jr. Sues Mitt Romney for Hairstyle Copyright Infringement

Mel Kiper Jr. filed suit against Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney Friday for hairstyle copyright infringement. Kiper, the senior NFL draft analyst for ESPN, held a press conference at 8 a.m. Friday to announce his lawsuit. Kiper claimed that Romney’s hairstyle was a blatant copycat of his “legendary locks.” “After looking at several hours of... MORE »

September 22, 2012

Student’s Career Orientation Called Into Question

A University of Missouri student’s career orientation was called into question Friday by friends and family. Rudyard Bowen, a sophomore at MU, claims that he has been a business major for the last two years. While the University isn’t allowed to yield sensitive information, friends of Bowen say that the evidence against his claim is... MORE »

September 21, 2012

‎Balding Student Insists that He “Really Doesn’t Care,” Friends Remain Skeptical

A University of Missouri student faced scrutiny Wednesday after insisting that he is indifferent to losing his hair. Ben Beyer, a junior at MU, claims that he began balding his senior year of high school. After learning that his head was naturally nairing itself, he said that decided to move on and build a life... MORE »