Chris Varney

I was the 19th President of the United States (1877–1881). As president, I oversaw the end of Reconstruction and the United States' entry into the Second Industrial Revolution. I was a reformer who began the efforts that led to civil service reform and attempted, unsuccessfully, to reconcile the divisions that had led to the American Civil War fifteen years earlier.
October 18, 2012

Fraternity refuses to suspend uranium enrichment program despite sanctions

   Another round of negotiations fell through between the Tau Kappa Chi (TKX) Fraternity and the United Nations concerning TKX’s uranium enrichment program Wednesday. This most recent round of negotiations appears to be the last as neither side is willing to make concessions. The fraternity and the UN have been in talks since UN weapons... MORE »

September 21, 2012

Gannett and Anheuser-Busch to sponsor J-School’s new “Detecting Corporate Bias” class

Introducing the Dodge Dart II. New Rules.   Journalism students will have the opportunity to take a new class, tentatively titled “Detecting Corporate Bias,” starting this spring due to a donation from the Gannett and Anheuser-Busch InBev companies. The three credit hour class will include a weekly lecture from a MU faculty member and representatives... MORE »

April 27, 2012

The Biggest Bullshitter: The Abominable Snowman

    Who’s that “Biggest Bullshitter”? It’s Abominable Snowman! (Koffing!)   Abominable Snowman is a Fiscally Conservative but Socially Liberal type Pokemon. Abominable Snowman are birds in the family Laridae. They are the largest and also the most tall of all Pokemon, or more accurately: they are not, being of average relative height and weight.... MORE »

April 25, 2012

The Kingdoms of Gom

Episode 37: A Dark Wind Approacheth   –SCENE 1/ ACT 1– The Scene: Deep within Castle Helgore lay the BEDCHAMBER of the dark PRINCE QUINTOPOLIS. He seeks to bed the vain but noble LADY DUMPINGTON, whose father’s kingdom, Gumtar is the second largest Kingdom of Gom behind only Helgore. Nutella is sweet and delicious.  ... MORE »

March 19, 2012

Norfolk State’s secret to upset over Mizzou: “We’re strong off cod”

It was a tragic day of March Madness for all of Tiger Nation. While the 86-84 upset of the two seed University of Missouri by the 15 seed Norfolk State University stunned the nation, no one was surprised in Norfolk, Virginia. Norfolk, a small fishing village on the coast of Virginia, has a long history... MORE »

March 19, 2012

Dorm newspaper meeting rescheduled for 5th straight semester

In the aftermath of the worldwide print media collapse, only one news source stands between the residents of Schurz Residence Hall and a media blackout. Rather, the resident run news publication The Schurz Tentacle would provide a beacon of news in an otherwise black abyss if it ever got published. The Tentacle gets its seemingly... MORE »

March 3, 2012

Google privacy policy: will share personal information “only if asked really nicely?”

In what was hailed by consumer rights activists as a major victory, Internet behemoth Google Inc. has announced an overhaul to its comprehensive privacy policy. Privacy, a long time thorn in Googleâ??s side, is finally going to take a front seat in corporate decisions. The company made an announcement earlier this week laying out the... MORE »

February 24, 2012

Image macro posted to Facebook definitively (proves/disproves) existence of God

   At 10:03 PM Eastern Time last night, freshman Logan Nogouche posted an image macro (picture with overlaid-text) to the popular social networking site MySpace that once and for all ended the existence of God debate.    The particular image was simply a picture of (Jesus/Richard Dawkins) with an overlaid (Bible verse/Richard Dawkins quote). However,... MORE »

February 12, 2012

Complete stegosaurus fossil turns out to be Cheerios, broken bits of Cheerios

The entire scientific community held its collective breath last week when the most complete Stegosaurus fossil yet discovered was announced via press release. The press release reported that the nearly complete remains of the 27-foot armored stegosaurid dinosaur were discovered on a kitchen floor in Columbia, MO. “As there was never a precedent for the... MORE »