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i'm having an affair with ronald mcdonald
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December 10, 2011

Finals Fornication

It is terribly important that we all at Cornell, get A’s on every exam and every paper. But, the most important weeks of our year come in December and May. Finals week. From interviews and experience Cornell Basement has found that the ultimate key to success during Finals Week is sex. Yes, you can be... MORE »

December 9, 2011

Warren Hall Hopes You Are Practicing Safe Studying

As finals week progresses Cornell Administrative staff wish all of the students a safe and healthy experience. Walking to Mann today it was difficult NOT to notice the giant blown-up condoms coming out of Warren Hall. Let it be a reminder to us all on this fine day: you’re super horny, but you’re in the... MORE »

December 8, 2011

Cornell Finals Week Problems

It’s 8AM the Saturday before finals and Olin isn’t open so you study on the roof attempting not to freeze your ass off. It’s 12PM and you spend 30 minutes on the phone with Expedia.com because your flight home has changed and they send you an email telling you to call them immediately, but only... MORE »

December 5, 2011

Formal Season 2011: This is how I’ll die, isn’t it?

What’s your favorite time of year…Christmas or Wedding Season? Formal Season!  That’s right fellow Cornellians, it is that time of the semester where you have nothing to do because classes are over and study week has yet to begin. It’s the best time of the year. Get all fancy in your dress or your shirt... MORE »

December 3, 2011

5 Things I Learned About Billy Joel From Facebook

Billy Joel: 1. Wore a Cornell Sweatshirt on stage 2. Played a duet with President Skorton – who knows how to play the jazz flute like Ron Burgundy  3. Said Uptown Girl was a joke 4. Did not want to go to formal with anyone 5. Billy Joel > formals   Thank you to everyone... MORE »

December 2, 2011

Zaarly: Selling Naked Men in Tents at A Campus Near You

On November 30th, Zaarly had a naked man sell his body on the street corner of CTB to promote the site. Just kidding, but that was what we all thought it was, right guys, right? No. Okay maybe that was just me. If you ask me what Zaarly is, I could tell you, but it... MORE »

November 26, 2011

Big Red Hot Hockey Storms MSG – And Your News Feed?

Tonight is the Big Red Hot Hockey game that takes place every other year against BU at MSG. In the next few hours your news feeds are going to start blowing up about about the game.  Examples of statuses you will see: 1. “At MSG go Big Red” 2. “Let’s go Cornell!” 3. “I’m in... MORE »

November 20, 2011

Unanimous Blackboard Poll Suggests Blackboard Creators Know Nothing

Dear Blackboard Tech Staff, Nobody knows what the “community” tab is! Every time any student goes to blackboard they need to take the extra step to click on the “my blackboard” tab…why are you trying to make our lives more difficult than they already are? Sincerely, Cornellians MORE »

November 15, 2011

Cornell Engineers Design New Ball Sac

Jon Stewart made a joke about how poorly designed the male testicles are. Referring to how man is made in God’s own image he said, “Why would he take all our nerve endings and place them in a little sac that dangles outside of our bodies easily exposed to…tap (makes nut tapping noise)?  Although intended as... MORE »