Alfred
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Alfred

@alfet
February 11, 2013

Pope resigns, realizes there is no God after hearing Pauly D will be playing at Syracuse University

Catholics around the world were shocked to hear that Pope Benedict XVI had resigned from his position as “THE CLOSEST PERSON TO GOD ON EARTH.” He tells sources at Campus Basement that the departure comes from fatigue, old age, and University Union’s Winter Carnival line-up. “They were hyping the students up, saying, ‘oh get ready,... MORE »

January 18, 2013

The Differences Between Fall and Spring Semester

Welcome back to Syracuse everybody! You may be wondering what’s so different about this semester than the last, so we here at Campus Basement are proud to present our comparative guide to help you transition into the new semester. MORE »

November 30, 2012

Things Syracuse Should Have But Don’t: Puppy Rooms

Finals week is coming up, and as we all know, it’s the most stressful time of the year. Syracuse University usually comes out with a handful of lame-ass events to help relieve stress. (Wow, breakfast at NIGHT TIME. You really out-did yourselves this time) Our neighbors across the North border at Dalhousie University’s got the... MORE »

October 26, 2012

Poorly Translated SAW shirt

Spotted in Ernie Davis Dining Hall. I knew Jigsaw was made in China. MORE »

October 13, 2012

Student Still Waiting For Nas

After the major disappointment by Nas’s no-show at the One World concert, most students left, cursing the Hip Hop legend from Queensbridge. Most. Meet Jeffrey Turs, a junior attending Syracuse University who claims to be Nas’s biggest fan and firmly believes that the rapper will appear at the Carrier Dome. “This isn’t the first time... MORE »

October 6, 2012

The hardest rejection I’ve ever had to do.

      ¬†Since everybody at Syracuse can do a backflip, this pick-up line’s success rate has plummeted through the ground. MORE »

September 28, 2012

Bring Replacement Refs to the Carrier Dome

The Syracuse Orange football team currently have one win and three losses on their 2012-2013 season record. It seems no matter what we do, we can’t seem to win (except play shitty schools.) Our coaches don’t help, our players don’t help (please don’t beat me up), so we’ve gotta do what every frustrated sports fan... MORE »

September 20, 2012

Syracuse Police Department Ranked First in Nation for Party-Busting

The National Anti-Fun Association awarded the Syracuse Police as the most efficient party-patrollers in the United States. A glimpse at SPD’s crime stats shows they’ve shut down 7,342 parties in the last year along, 500 more parties than every other police force combined. This increase in heroic police work can be credited to the force’s... MORE »